Well we are fast approaching the middle for July and it is almost as if I can see the summer slipping by. The field behind the house was hayed yesterday. The process began in the early morning with the hay being cut, laid to dry in the sun, was tetted and then raked and baled by sundown. It is just before sun up the following morning and a gentle rain is falling on the field and I can now clearly see where the corn has been planted for silage for the fall.
Since the last entry, we enjoyed Ben’s birthday party as 20 kids came here and planted for his garden party…..I can say that not much came up but in the way of fun they had a ball and learned a bit about planting and where food comes from. I look at the garden space and see the haphazard manner in which it was planted and smile at the memory of the kids digging finding dirt and works and artifacts like keys and old nails from what was once here before.
I was actually called for jury duty and worse yet, had to sit on a 7 day jury trial. It was like watching my professional life played out before me, so I suppose there was some lesson in that. However, as a result of that, I had to hurry to prepare the house in Maine for rental and in building a deck by myself, I hurt my back in a way I did not think possible. The acupuncturist has helped above all and despite being a bit in pain I can at least walk and stand. Symbolically, he tells me it is an injury about being unsupported or the feelings associated with that.
I am not sure I feel that way, I suppose there is a truth in it as I struggle along the road of single parenthood with two growing boys. However, I do feel the ache of my soul subsiding as it pertains to the desire to share all of this life with another. I dropped off websites and have all but stopped dating as I am not sure there is a person who is out there and until that time when he arrives on the scene.
I have discovered that dating divorced men is no easier. For the most part they are weekend fathers and then weekend warriors. As much as I need a break from my role as Dad, I would not relinquish it. So while I have stopped actively searching I carry on with the 2 b’s as they have been come to be known as.
We were on vacation up in Maine and my house becomes the center of the neighborhood when we are there and the boys engage with all their summer friends. It is what I always wanted for my kids and I love it. I do not think there was a meal in a week where there was not at least 2 extra faces at the table. On one rainy day the kids were playing and I heard one little girl ask Ben where his mom was. Ben without missing a beat said he had a mom that could not take care of him and the angels brought him to dad. He continued and said someday he might have another dad but daddy had not met the right person yet. It was good to hear and an affirmation to me that he understood, the best part was that the little girl said “cool” and they continued to play. Kids are not born mean they are taught to be mean.
The boys are good, all boy…growing…eating and are brothers, one minute they fight like hell and the next they are laughing at one another. We are struggling with the last bit of control over potty training and diapers are almost gone. Sadly, naptime is becoming a thing of the past but Bryce will actually go and take a nap if he is tired. Now that I can see the corn in the field I know that summer will continue and soon we will be in fall. I am hoping to remodel the beach-house this fall as it needs some updating and I want to create a little more Zen and a little less cottage.
The family struggles on with my mother’s health and she is destined for a quadruple bypass on Monday but she is in a place of peach this time with it. I am not sure how that bodes, but at least I can say with an open heart the boys are prepared and I am ready to let go if the time comes. Between that and the drama surrounding the children of Michael Jackson, I managed to update my will and the trust for the kids. A piece of free legal advice if you have children and have not done that DO IT, don’t leave your kids future hanging without direction and absent you. If you are unsure ask me and I will help you find someone to assist you, it is really a necessity. Oh well, enough of that. To each of you, remember perseverance, faith and love will get you through…and a margarita once in a while can not hurt!
I feel as though this year is a race to the finish line as we approach the end of the second quarter of the year and the summer is upon us despite the incessant clouds and the persistent rain. Life has entered a little bit of a lull, until the craziness of the summer starts and me feeling as I am not sure I know where everyone is during the day, but the weather I will take. So, let us see…where to begin?
Horseradish- Ben is growing and there are days that I look at him and wonder where my baby went, my first son. He is growing in every way and I am challenged to keep up with him. He is his own person and definitely has his own ideas about things. He is an amazing big brother, thoughtful and at the same time is the world’s biggest pain in the ass. I was stopped for speeding so he is going to help me by telling me what the speed limit as he reads it from EVERY SIGN! I am about to loose my mind and I need to stop teaching him the rules of the road…as I am reminded every time I break one! I know I wrote about the minivan and then end of my life….what is worse is that he can see the speedometer. UGH, I do love the fact I can actually have a conversation with him, he wants to hear the news and understand the world and is not afraid to speak up about what is right, even if it is ONLY right in his mind, which happens a lot.
Anyway, Ben was being particularly evil on Sunday, I had given it my all in the punishment department, and I was LOOSING. Finally, exasperated, I lay down on the couch and sent him to his room. I told him I was out of ideas and he needed to go up stairs and no come down until he could tell me the rules he broke (we only have 3) and what should be done as “consequences”. Therefore, he heads upstairs and is down very quickly….HMMMMM, this should be good I think to myself. He sits down with his dramatic little politico self and says…”Ya know dad…..I broke rule 1 (do it/listen rule) and rule 3 ( naughty rule, NO kicking, biting, hitting, punching, swearing, name calling, flesh twisting, hair pulling….you get the idea).” “So, I am going to eat horseradish”….I almost died!
The back-story to this is that his (Mitchell’s) mom and dad tell his friend Mitchell that he would have to eat horseradish if he gets mouthy. Mitchell somehow got near horseradish and had such a reaction that his mom and dad added it to the parental bag of tricks. Well, all they have to do it threaten Mitchell with it and he backs down. He must have shared this with Ben…who LOVES to eat….probably thinking HOW BAD CAN THAT BE?
Well, I love horseradish and being of Polish descent, I always have it. Therefore, I asked him if he was sure and he said yes dad! He strutted over to the table with a “Bring it on” walk and a shot eating grin and sat in his seat, adjusted his placemat and waited. I got the jar and a t-spoon out of the drawer….took some out and walked over to him. as he said, “I’m ready” and opened his mouth like a Baby bird. I stuck the spoon in his mouth, he closed his mouth, and then the reaction started. You would have thought his head was on fire, the look of shock and dismay. I did everything I could not to laugh! Finally, he asked if he could spit it out and I agreed only after making him promise he was going to behave. Worked like a charm and now all I have to do is say Horseradish and all is calm again!
Bryce is the complete three year old….moody…tyrannical and all the while he is FUNNY! Most of the time I am stuck with the invisible leash as he moves to break away from Daddy but remains close; he is fine and doing well. There is not much news to report on him other than he drives me crazy and I cannot wait for him to be a little older. He strives for independence yet still wants me to do for him. He is hysterical and as funny as Ben is Bryce is just a comic. I am sure that will come back to bite me later but he is funny. He is playing T ball, which is just organized chaos with sticks and hurling objects. I stand there on Saturday mornings and watch, as Ben has become the base coach! It is hysterical to watch, but I see the love between my kids and the encouragement that they give one another in their individual choices. They could not be more different yes, they have core values that I am very proud of and they are family.
Speaking of family, mine is as nutty as ever. So, the remainder of fun things in snippet form. We are getting ready for beach season as the house opens up and the beach weather begins. I am wondering when that will be as the rain has put a damper on things. Ben is having his birthday party and I bought an outdoor gym set which cost more than my first car! OMG, who knew? I did get my new ring and I love it, the kids know which stone is theirs and can tell the story of the magic ring that holds dreams and wishes to anyone, they feel like telling it to.
I am employed for the moment; I will keep you posted on that one. On the dating front, there is no one right now that I have met. I have been talking to a great person so we shall see and go from there. I get my “daddy” award on the 17th, and I do not have a thing to wear!
To all of you I hope you are well and that your family is happy, healthy and filled with peace of love.
Well it is approaching April and we headed to the Beach House last night. The sleepy New England beach town is still covered in snow and the yard I thought I would be able to get cleaned up is far from awake. The boys slept longer than usual as did I. I always sleep better up here with the ocean air less than 2 blocks away.
My mother’s health albeit abysmal, has stabilized and I am slowly returning to what I consider to be a normal life absent constant upset. I feel as though I have been doing a lot of cleaning up, both literally and figuratively. I let go of some useless relationships and made a decision that to pare down my life was in order. In furtherance of the events of last year, I guess I keep throwing things out so that they do not “Mold” in my life, relationships, fears, papers, old outdated notions and things that tie me back. I feel that it is a positive time in my life despite the constant letting go.
However, I also feel that it is a time of amalgamation. I was recently going through my strong box as I continued to consolidate adn protect things and get rid of things with little to no significance. In the box were lots of pieces of jewelry that I had accumulated over the years. Some of them were parts of my past, others a part of a loved person that had become an angel to watch over me. Through the years I had given some pieces of jewelry to “chosen” family as they had become part of my present (Besides, I am not the type to wear it and drag is was and always be out of the question for me…I would look like Mrs. Doubtfire).
I looked over all of it and realized that unbeknown to me I have all of our birth stones and the stones signifying destiny and eternal love a diamond. So I bagged up all the stuff and took it to a favorite jeweler that I had admired for years. I explained that I wanted to create a family ring out of my past and reminding me of my present and the hope I have for my future. OK, so I gave myself a birthday present. The rendering is awesome and is being crafted now so from the old, I create useless into useful, the gay version of recycling.
I took the day off yesterday to complete an entire page of errands that I have not been able to get to or I did not want to take the kids. For instance imagine sitting at the DMV with your kids…NO WAY! I need a drink by the time I get done there never mind if I had the kids with me. After a day there, having inspections done on both cars, sitting in waiting rooms I then went onto shopping. I went to get the kids new bikes and ended up getting myself one as well…so with 3 bikes a new bike rack and the mini-van, I trod into the realization that I had become what the Christian Right Wing fears most and that, I was about to lose my membership card to the purple mafia!
I also bought Ben a piano (an inexpensive one electronic one) as he is a piano prodigy and get Bryce signed up for T-Ball and got him the stuff he needed for that…and then resigned myself to having no weekends until July! Oh well, it is worth it, but I realized that they are growing up fast and yes perish the thought, I would like another baby! Someone save me from myself. Ok, the boys are hungry (so what else is new) and want to head out to breakfast, so , off we go into the last part of March and hopefully April will just bring flowers as I am so over this winter stuff!
Well today could be the day! I chatted with my adoption worker yesterday, and she was so encouraging. She submitted the report on me, and said i should be approved possibly by friday. I also talked to her about what i was chatting on a previous blog about. Should i foster while i wait. She was so informative i thought. I went to a prospective adoptive parents meeting last month. I was so suprised by the fact that it seemed that more than half the room had been waiting 9 months or longer. I thought gee i didnt request a newborn,blond haired blue eyed baby,i said 1-5 boy or siblings 1-5,brother/brother, or brother/sister. ,and i was very open on the “what you will accept” paper. Im very open to “Open adoption”. i think it is essential to share with your child(age appropriate of course) of his or her adoption, bio family, and to keep in contact with that family. I think it takes the fantasy out of it for the child. (my mom is a princess,or very wealthy,and cant come get me… ect) By sharing with that bio family if its in a healthy safe way, the child knows that you love and care for them, are not hiding anything from them, and that your grateful to the bio parents because you are able to be a dad and love and nuture them.Anyway im digressing,my worker told me, not to listen to those other prospective parents because chances are the reason their waiting so long IS because they want a baby. And not to worry i will be approved, and to just hang in there for a bit and well see what happens. So..im comforted…for today…LOL. So im carrying my cell around, and hoping for the call to let me know im approved, and then i go into that great big “ADOPTION POOL”. And im still going to my monthly prospective parents group next week,but with a open heart, AND a open mind. One final note …i went to the gym last night and worked out,if ya knew me…youd know WOW… he must be really excited!!!!!take care everyone
Hey everyone! well my adoption worker called yesterday, and she finished my file and submitted it so she says i should be approved and put into the adoption pool on friday! This is exciting news for me. The frusteration im having is the differing opinions on how long the wait will be. Will it be soon? my age range is 1-5 boy or siblings 1-5 boy/boy or boy/girl. I was, i think very OPEN about all the things that you will accept; drug exposure,parental mental issues,open adoption and so many other catagories. I NEVER once thought” I ONlY want a blond haired blue eyed boy under two”. First of all, because its unrealistic, and secondly there are plenty of fantastic kids who are hispanic,african american,filipino,and caucasian with different attributes which makes them special too. The part im concerned with if it truly IS going to take 9 months to a year to adopt a child, then thats the reality, but i would like to know because i could then open my home to a foster child who needs one in the meantime.
Then though you have a foster child that is making progress in your home and re-unification is going well with the birth parents , and you get a call from your adoption worker saying she has a match for you. What do you do then? I have a two bedroom home,so if they were the same gender it would be fine. Do you see where im going with this. I dont think its fair to the foster child, to create a lot of drama when your main goal is to to give them a safe,secure,home, love,commitment, and encouraging a reunification with the birth parent(if so mandated). So im rather torn. Has anyone else been in this situation? i want to be fair,and put the childs needs first. I want to be a parent, if its gong to take a while then i would like to foster,but what happens if i recieve a foster child and two weeks later get the call we prospective parents having been patiently waiting for???? please comment if you would and let me know. I have a lot of love to give a chld or children, and i wouldnt mind fostering and adopting, at the same time, but is it fair to the kids? thanks for your input. Rick
So we just returned from the annual NYE event in Maine. Our friends could not make it so it was just the boys and the dogs and I. We drove up early in the morning to avoid the impending storm and to get there before it arrived there, it never did. Admittedly, I love the minivan, loading dogs and kids power sliding doors and a key fob that does everything…..Ok, I have officially over the anxiety about it but is needs and HRC sticker on it and something else not sure. Perhaps a bumper sticker “Intentional Father-Don’t give up the dream-ADOPT, who knows.We had a nice time and it was good to hang out with just the boys.
We were having dinner and I posed the question to the kids “what was the best thing about 2008” (for me there was not much), I wanted to see how well they fared as both are very articulate now. It was amazing to me that the answers I got from them were that they were not happy about the “BOO, BOO in the house” but that we spent lots of time together. They focused on the happy things and did not notice anything else. I sat there in amazement and slowly all the bad things that were in my mind melted away and I realized that as a parent I had done my thing and they were OK, and that even all the shit that happened they were fine. I cried a bit as there is always a creeping doubt if you did the right thing; this said to me that we were ok.
We ask each other three questions every night, they are:
What was your favorite part of the day?
What is your wish for tomorrow?
What is your dream for tonight?
However, I decided to ask an additional question this New Years Eve. I asked the kids what they thought 2009 should be about. What did we want to do….I gave examples like, Adventures, Service to others, things like that. The kids went to bed and I stayed up and watched the Sex in the City movie as I had wanted to see it all year so I thought it would be fitting to end the year with that. Guess what I took away was to keep it simple and about you and your partner.
Interestingly, I received a comment from someone who viewed the profile here and said it was like a “sales pitch”. To some, perhaps, he commented additionally, that I appeared to want a “Male Accessory”, (I left the comment I wanted to make alone). He commented that it appeared I wanted someone to “Fit” into my life, which I had constructed. I also had the new accessory “The Key Fob”. However, I gave it due consideration, and to some extent he is correct. I do need someone who “Fits” into this life of kids and what I chose to be, someone who wants to be a father and a member of a family and all that comes with it. Someone who is not so self absorbed that they can put the needs of another before then and handle the roller coaster that parenting and being a family can be. Now, couple that with my take away from the movie and there is the combination I am searching for. Someone who can keep it about “US” and help me to do that and someone who would be comfortable in second place to the children…however, I am in second place as well, so we are first to one another and second to the kids.
On the way home I asked the kids about what they though 2009 should be about and Ben answered. It should be about the “peace of love”. He explained that we should tell people we love them and kiss them and that love is peaceful. So, here is to 2009 and our journey toward “peace of love”. To you and yours I wish you the same and only hope your desires, wishes and dreams come to fruition and that hope pervades in everything you do.
If I start this now perhaps by the time I am finished, it will just be a retrospective posted on NYE. There is a lot of reflection going on in my head these days and there is a lot more that needs to be done. I am sure that as usual the process of writing will help in the “processing” of all of the information and incidental facts and situations resulting in lessons and something I can look back on and say “OH! Is that what I was supposed to learn”.
As one who believes on some level that there is a reason for everything, I struggle to make sense of this year. However, here goes nothing. I finalized my adoption of Bryce (who is riding his scooter with his new big boy hair cut, instead of cleaning the toys up). That was the highlight of this year and the beginning of what I am starting to call the “Clean Out”. Everything that has transpired this year has caused me to rethink everything and reposition old notions and replace them with new ones.
So, the mold; HMMMM, mold results because there is stagnant debris so I am looking as I write this at the emotional debris that was in my life and the things that I held onto that needed to go. Despite the fact the mold was devastating in many ways I am trying to find the good in the situation and I may be coming close. The mold caused several things to occur. I was forced from my home with no place to go, probably a person’s worst fear. So, with 2 kids I moved in with the man I was dating. We had talked about more and acted with the best of intentions. However, I think we were trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. So, the thought I have is that for a long while I imagined that I wanted a partner in raising my children and it was about them as well. I had to get rid of that notion; it has to be about me as well. I have to love that person with all of my heart and I cannot settle because half of it is right. I need and deserve the whole package or I am better off on my own and I can make it on my own. I am a survivor and I can continue in the face of true adversity as father first and then partner and if that is not acceptable it is not right.
I have discovered something called “Precious Moments”, not those hideous smiley cards that Hallmark dishes out and the figurines associated with them, but the moments between being a parent when you have an interim of silence and peace and an hour to watch TV wrapped around another, those are precious moments. There was a lack of precious moments in this relationship and that is a reason for it not working out as well as my displaced belief that I would be better as a partner. I am a good father and I can do this and will, I proved that to myself and finally rid myself of the notion that I needed a partner to complete this picture. That was my stagnant moldy truth that had to go with the wreckage of the house. We can give these moments to ourselves. We need no other but they are wonderful to savor with those who have the same taste.
As my world collapsed, I felt more protective of my children and more motivated to care for them than for anything else. My world was consumed with thoughts of what was best for my kids and I lived the sentiment that I had expressed so many times, “I did not matter” only they mattered. As a direct result of that the relationship suffered and ultimately died, but the kids remained OK and insulated from it. As long as I am intact they are intact. We moved back into a house torn apart absent heat and we were ok. The kids kept me strong through the hospital visits and testing and did fine, my friends and my “Sister” were my salvation and my sanity and helped me though the rough parts. As we got to a point where throwing things out was a daily occurrence and we were living hand to mouth as my saving had been drained and the lifestyle I had once enjoyed was gone, I learned about money. For the first time in my life…I had none. The expenses mounting and the cash dwindling, I had less and less to work with, ya know what the kids did not notice. I was the only one. So, I had to take a look at all the things that were centered on money.
I had suffered a disastrous financial loss with a previous relationship and with a law partner that felt as though paying for vacation was better than paying taxes. I survived both of those, but this was different. Ultimately, I asked for some help and it arrived. Creditors were a different story. I had never carried a lot of debt in relationship to my income but now as a result of the market and the house I was literally broke. Everything I still owned was worth less than I owed and the creditors could care less. I tried everything and finally, decided the only way out to start fresh was to declare bankruptcy and move on to take care of my kids. I always thought that this was never going to happen and how could people let that happen. Sometimes things happen to you and are nothing you created so you are left with limited options. So, I would rather move my own cheese than let someone move it for me so I moved to protect what was left for the kids and am now in the process of getting the bankruptcy completed to move on. I accept the position I am in, but am here because of insurance companies that will not live up to the obligations they are contracted to do…so onward to 12 lawsuits. I cannot worry about that tomorrow. I have to focus on today. I am not here by choice but rather by circumstance.
The house…..to my kids, in its disastrous state it is home. As I threw out more and more of the things I gathered over the years it became clear to me that they were just that “things” and there was not a value in them if there was a potential for harm to the kids and I let it be a lesson in letting go of things. It sounds very Buddhist, I assure you I went kicking and screaming all the way. Holes in walls, missing plumbing, no clothes in the house, ripping out everything, it was just stuff! We are now almost done with reconstruction with a couple of things left to do. The kids got involved and took an interest in this house and now feel it is more theirs than ever. As to what is gone, it is gone. I have baby pictures and baby blankets and the kids and the dogs.
The kids, Bryce is doing ok but Ben requires surgery in January to fix his nose and stop the nose bleeds that are almost constant. But he is doing better with the new heating and air purification system in the house. I am fearful of this given how his history is but it must be done and I will be there every step of the way to ensure he is OK. It falls into the bad things happen but we in the long term are going to be OK. My health is stable and after my annual appointment with my cardiologist, I check out fine being this is the 4th year anniversary of my open heart surgery. On December 23 Ben and I spent the day together as this was the day he came home over 4 years ago. It was a very special day and for moments like that and the change these children have brought to my life I am forever grateful. I know I can do what MUST be done if I always put the kids first and their emotional, physical and spiritual needs first. I matter as a father, the greatest role a man can play.
My mother and her health: It has been a roller coaster ride. Her emotional state is not in perspective and I struggle with how she is acting. I cannot change her but only let her live out her life. She is a deadly and destructive force at this juncture and I have had to come to terms with my own misgivings about her and the truth that surrounds hers and my relationship. No matter what I do in this life it will never be good enough for her and she is second to no one. I fulfill my obligatory duties but after this disaster of a Christmas, I will steer clear of her and the malady she brings with her. I may write about that at a later date but at this juncture I prepare to be absent my biological after her demise. The funny part about it is that the family I have created is much stronger than the one that I was born into.
Well, that is it from this end. I am proud to say that I finished this in a day (Between 4 a.m. and 8 p.m.) and in the interim I had precious moments with my kids and now am off to spoil myself with some BAD TV. I WISH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have a lot to catch up on in the blog world and things that are worth note but perhaps the most important is the one I am currently dealing with. Introducing the subject of death and dying with kids traumatized by loss. My mother, who has been ill for years and has been hospitalized and operated on more in the last decade than anyone I know. Each time you hold your breath and hope all works out and you never give up the hope that there is fight left. I really thought after a kidney transplant things would be different. Well things are different but still not good.
I came to terms with the issue long ago that there was more than a substantial likelihood that I would not have my mother around for a long period. I accept the death and dying process as one of choice and a wonderful process to engage in. A process where one has to have the courage to support the individual, let go, and allow the person to happen to pass. It is a very difficult exercise in being unselfish. My mother recently announced to me that she was ready and wanted no more extreme measures and needed to back off some of her treatment. She started to make amends, baked Christmas cookies in May and put her affairs in order. There is definitive movement on her part. I am sad, but accepting of her decision. How do I explain it to my kids?
I must admit I have been in agony over how to approach this with Ben and discuss this in a way that is open and natural with no dogmatic approach and one that he can process and hold onto and learn. From my own background, people just disappeared to go home to Jesus. Who the hell is he to take all these people away from me and why did he not let them home for Christmas…..there was never an answer to the WHY, which in Catholicism I have never found. So, how do I prepare to answer the why, the what, the where and the when?
Terrified, I decided that there were some stories from my youth that could be used and I dragged them out from the past as well as things that I created which had become part of our family history and his consciousness. So last night, I told him that because he was going to be six that it was time that Daddy took on another role, as teacher and I was going to teach him the secrets that he needed to know. He listened intently. We talked about the angels he knew. Then we talked about the fact that they lived in three places, in the heavens, in our hearts and in our minds. Lastly, we talked about angels are made of the spirit of love, which last forever and can always be felt in our hearts and pictured in our minds.
With that, I felt as though I laid the foundation for what will be a larger more complicated discussion on the circle of life and the eternal web we all live and love in, to cosmos. I hope we can continue to grow and learn from one another and each time I face and issue with the kids, I learn more about myself and how my own belief structure and my own fears impact them. I am sure this will be a continuing conversation as there are many things to discuss and I shall learn and grow along with my children.
Ok, so one some level despite the hope I would be wrong my intuition could not have been more correct. I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. Not for the reasons that were spoken but for other reasons that were not spoken. The interesting fact is that I should have known this was a game and I should have never played…but how does one tell?
As you might imagine from what I post on here, I am pretty emotionally honest and I really do not know any other way to be. It has been more than 6 years since I ended a 10 year relationship and pursued the joys associated with intentional fatherhood. I have learned to love myself and who I have become. I have learned that I am the constant in my children’s life and so long as I am there to provide the consistency and the presence they are much better at handling things than I often give them credit for.
As I had written previously I had met a man who being quite honest, I could see a future with. However, I was unsure if the price of a lifetime ticket was too high for him on this merry go round of fatherhood. I will admit that this is the first time I had ever experienced love at first sight and the feelings were intense for me. Retrospectively, I presume that I was ready for love in addition to my role as father and this man definitely, knew all the right things to say.
Now there are 2 definite camps on the dating scene when it comes to the kids. I have been resident in both at one point or another. Camp one think s that until there is a significant chance of success in the relationship the kids should not be involved and should not meet the person until there is confirmation. The other camp uses the trial by fire method. Hey throw them in and see of they swim otherwise why should I spend time, effort and money on babysitters? I guess I have stabilized into the comfortable grey area that I navigate through with the first year law school answer “It Depends”. I think you have to know yourself, your kids and be able to handle it.
The interesting thing is that kids handle relationships better than we do as adults. They are emotionally fearless. They are emotionally honest, they love the way we all should and they are resilient. Lastly, there are no emotional games that are played. They merely love with the simplicity that we should all do with out the trapping of fear and deceit that accompany some adult relationships.
As I had written previously this man and I had a hell of a connection. However, that was lost overseas by the allure of gay life. One week at a gay event and the rediscovery of his popularity, how everyone remarked at this body “wanted him” and all the friends made. Forgotten was the request made by him for me to not date others. Silly me for not being able to compete with that; how can diapers, runny noses, and a demand of emotional honesty compete with that. I have said it a 1000 times; I was not cut out for this gay life. I am just simple guy who happens to love men and just wanted to be a dad.
Now, I remember back to the weekend I got the call about Ben. I can say you are never prepared for the call and the day it happens your whole life changes. I was leaving for Paris for a long weekend when they called to tell me that I had a son. Quickly the trip turned into a disaster and I was on my way in the car to a Hotel in Vermont to digest what was about to happen. I remember being in the hotel with 360 degree views of the Adirondacks watching the sun come up and knowing that I was giving up an old self and about to become a new self , the person I was meant to be. I have never looked back and I actually am a better person for being a father. I am enriched beyond belief and at the same time I am consistently disappointed by the general attitude of the men that I meet who are in my age bracket. I will be 42 this Thursday. I was supposed to have dinner with Luis, but that will not happen.
I am not sure any of this makes sense and perhaps some day I will make sense of it. For those of you who are single… the price of our ticket is high but priceless. For those afraid to love and get on the marry- go- round, there are plenty of adult games to play, I will stick to chutes and ladders.