We’ve been hearing a lot about hockey moms now that one of them is running for the second highest political office of the U.S. government.
In fact, hockey moms across the country are waking up to the realization that they have unique qualifications to be movers and shakers in our great democracy. Non-hockey moms are finding their way to the nearest Modell’s in search of hockey sticks and mouth guards and signing their son and daughters onto any teams that will have them. These parents want to be hockey moms, too, and serve their country in positions of leadership. All this time they were thinking that the mandatory credentials were out of their reach: an Ivy League law degree and years of door-to-door canvassing as a community organizer.
You, too, may be asking yourself, “Can I become a hockey mom and serve my country? Do I have what it takes to run for high political office?? Gay and lesbian parents in particular probably wonder about
their qualifications. Lesbian moms may be concerned because the only current hockey mom role model has big hair, impossibly high heels, and winks as if she’s trying to pick up a senator– something no lesbian mom would ever be caught doing, even if there were a cute female senator to wink at. And gay fathers may be wondering if the word “mom” in hockey mom automatically disqualifies them from participation even though many of them would feel right at home on spike heels and wouldn’t think twice about unleashing a well-timed wink to win a debate.
Who knows? Before you count yourself out, take the Hockey Mom Qualifications Test. It’s easy, it’s fun, and it’s free. Score more yes’s than no’s and you could be on your way to your first campaign fundraising event. Remember, a good political coach can help you with the hair, the heels, and your wink aversion.
_____ I think it’s doggone fun watching a zamboni do its thing.
_____ The sound of stainless steel blades scraping ice is poetry to me.
_____ I own a nice roomy SUV so I can pick up other players, stow their sticks, and make it to tournaments in a blizzard if I have to.
_____ I believe the sport of hockey is great training for a future in the military, and all our boys ought to be thinking about service to their country given the growing crop of terrorists on the loose in the Middle East.
_____ I love Harrison Ford–he is a real man’s man—and I can’t wait for my son to get a scar on his face, too.
_____ We don’t do enough in this country to encourage our children to be all that they can be. We need to be out there screaming at them to play harder and win, win, win. If they can’t win a hockey game, how will they compete against the Chinese?
_____ Underneath my perky exterior, I have unresolved anger issues and have always longed for an excuse to scream at other adults in my shrill voice.
_____ I feel a patriotic surge of adrenaline when a hockey puck spins through the air like a nucular missile heading for Iran.
_____ I am part of the great middle class, and if my child can get a free ride to college on a scholarship, I don’t care about a few ACL tears along the way.
_____ I think abortion is murder, but I have no problem telling my child to get out there and kill the other team.
_____ I have attended a church where we spoke in tongues, and speaking in tongues is sort of what hockey moms sound like when their team is losing so I will have a leg up.
_____ I can utter four consecutive incomprehensible sentences. Hockey moms do this all the time.
_____ I once competed in a beauty competition. Hockey moms like to compare their beauty pageant experiences so I will fit right in.
_____ I own at least one gun, and I love to shoot it. I won’t flinch when a hockey puck comes flying in my direction, although I might whip out my six shooter and nail it in midair.
_____ I have nothing against someone conceiving a child outside of wedlock as long as they don’t abort it. (Gay parents, you have a real edge here.)
_____ I respect gay people’s right to make choices, but I don’t think gays should get married and become hockey moms. (Ooops! This one might pose a problem for gay parents.)
_____ I love to discuss how much I hate the government when it gets in my way. This will help me when the other team coaches get in our team’s way.
_____ I do not believe that global warming is caused by humans, but we better do something about it before it impacts the sport of ice hockey.
© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.