Ok, so one some level despite the hope I would be wrong my intuition could not have been more correct. I got dumped by the guy I was seeing. Not for the reasons that were spoken but for other reasons that were not spoken. The interesting fact is that I should have known this was a game and I should have never played…but how does one tell?
As you might imagine from what I post on here, I am pretty emotionally honest and I really do not know any other way to be. It has been more than 6 years since I ended a 10 year relationship and pursued the joys associated with intentional fatherhood. I have learned to love myself and who I have become. I have learned that I am the constant in my children’s life and so long as I am there to provide the consistency and the presence they are much better at handling things than I often give them credit for.
As I had written previously I had met a man who being quite honest, I could see a future with. However, I was unsure if the price of a lifetime ticket was too high for him on this merry go round of fatherhood. I will admit that this is the first time I had ever experienced love at first sight and the feelings were intense for me. Retrospectively, I presume that I was ready for love in addition to my role as father and this man definitely, knew all the right things to say.
Now there are 2 definite camps on the dating scene when it comes to the kids. I have been resident in both at one point or another. Camp one think s that until there is a significant chance of success in the relationship the kids should not be involved and should not meet the person until there is confirmation. The other camp uses the trial by fire method. Hey throw them in and see of they swim otherwise why should I spend time, effort and money on babysitters? I guess I have stabilized into the comfortable grey area that I navigate through with the first year law school answer “It Depends”. I think you have to know yourself, your kids and be able to handle it.
The interesting thing is that kids handle relationships better than we do as adults. They are emotionally fearless. They are emotionally honest, they love the way we all should and they are resilient. Lastly, there are no emotional games that are played. They merely love with the simplicity that we should all do with out the trapping of fear and deceit that accompany some adult relationships.
As I had written previously this man and I had a hell of a connection. However, that was lost overseas by the allure of gay life. One week at a gay event and the rediscovery of his popularity, how everyone remarked at this body “wanted him” and all the friends made. Forgotten was the request made by him for me to not date others. Silly me for not being able to compete with that; how can diapers, runny noses, and a demand of emotional honesty compete with that. I have said it a 1000 times; I was not cut out for this gay life. I am just simple guy who happens to love men and just wanted to be a dad.
Now, I remember back to the weekend I got the call about Ben. I can say you are never prepared for the call and the day it happens your whole life changes. I was leaving for Paris for a long weekend when they called to tell me that I had a son. Quickly the trip turned into a disaster and I was on my way in the car to a Hotel in Vermont to digest what was about to happen. I remember being in the hotel with 360 degree views of the Adirondacks watching the sun come up and knowing that I was giving up an old self and about to become a new self , the person I was meant to be. I have never looked back and I actually am a better person for being a father. I am enriched beyond belief and at the same time I am consistently disappointed by the general attitude of the men that I meet who are in my age bracket. I will be 42 this Thursday. I was supposed to have dinner with Luis, but that will not happen.
I am not sure any of this makes sense and perhaps some day I will make sense of it. For those of you who are single… the price of our ticket is high but priceless. For those afraid to love and get on the marry- go- round, there are plenty of adult games to play, I will stick to chutes and ladders.