Christmas time reflection:

If I start this now perhaps by the time I am finished, it will just be a retrospective posted on NYE. There is a lot of reflection going on in my head these days and there is a lot more that needs to be done. I am sure that as usual the process of writing will help in the “processing” of all of the information and incidental facts and situations resulting in lessons and something I can look back on and say “OH! Is that what I was supposed to learn”.

As one who believes on some level that there is a reason for everything, I struggle to make sense of this year. However, here goes nothing. I finalized my adoption of Bryce (who is riding his scooter with his new big boy hair cut, instead of cleaning the toys up). That was the highlight of this year and the beginning of what I am starting to call the “Clean Out”. Everything that has transpired this year has caused me to rethink everything and reposition old notions and replace them with new ones.

So, the mold; HMMMM, mold results because there is stagnant debris so I am looking as I write this at the emotional debris that was in my life and the things that I held onto that needed to go. Despite the fact the mold was devastating in many ways I am trying to find the good in the situation and I may be coming close. The mold caused several things to occur. I was forced from my home with no place to go, probably a person’s worst fear. So, with 2 kids I moved in with the man I was dating. We had talked about more and acted with the best of intentions. However, I think we were trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. So, the thought I have is that for a long while I imagined that I wanted a partner in raising my children and it was about them as well. I had to get rid of that notion; it has to be about me as well. I have to love that person with all of my heart and I cannot settle because half of it is right. I need and deserve the whole package or I am better off on my own and I can make it on my own. I am a survivor and I can continue in the face of true adversity as father first and then partner and if that is not acceptable it is not right.

I have discovered something called “Precious Moments”, not those hideous smiley cards that Hallmark dishes out and the figurines associated with them, but the moments between being a parent when you have an interim of silence and peace and an hour to watch TV wrapped around another, those are precious moments. There was a lack of precious moments in this relationship and that is a reason for it not working out as well as my displaced belief that I would be better as a partner. I am a good father and I can do this and will, I proved that to myself and finally rid myself of the notion that I needed a partner to complete this picture. That was my stagnant moldy truth that had to go with the wreckage of the house. We can give these moments to ourselves. We need no other but they are wonderful to savor with those who have the same taste.

As my world collapsed, I felt more protective of my children and more motivated to care for them than for anything else. My world was consumed with thoughts of what was best for my kids and I lived the sentiment that I had expressed so many times, “I did not matter” only they mattered. As a direct result of that the relationship suffered and ultimately died, but the kids remained OK and insulated from it. As long as I am intact they are intact. We moved back into a house torn apart absent heat and we were ok. The kids kept me strong through the hospital visits and testing and did fine, my friends and my “Sister” were my salvation and my sanity and helped me though the rough parts. As we got to a point where throwing things out was a daily occurrence and we were living hand to mouth as my saving had been drained and the lifestyle I had once enjoyed was gone, I learned about money. For the first time in my life…I had none. The expenses mounting and the cash dwindling, I had less and less to work with, ya know what the kids did not notice. I was the only one. So, I had to take a look at all the things that were centered on money.

I had suffered a disastrous financial loss with a previous relationship and with a law partner that felt as though paying for vacation was better than paying taxes. I survived both of those, but this was different. Ultimately, I asked for some help and it arrived. Creditors were a different story. I had never carried a lot of debt in relationship to my income but now as a result of the market and the house I was literally broke. Everything I still owned was worth less than I owed and the creditors could care less. I tried everything and finally, decided the only way out to start fresh was to declare bankruptcy and move on to take care of my kids. I always thought that this was never going to happen and how could people let that happen. Sometimes things happen to you and are nothing you created so you are left with limited options. So, I would rather move my own cheese than let someone move it for me so I moved to protect what was left for the kids and am now in the process of getting the bankruptcy completed to move on. I accept the position I am in, but am here because of insurance companies that will not live up to the obligations they are contracted to do…so onward to 12 lawsuits. I cannot worry about that tomorrow. I have to focus on today. I am not here by choice but rather by circumstance.

The house…..to my kids, in its disastrous state it is home. As I threw out more and more of the things I gathered over the years it became clear to me that they were just that “things” and there was not a value in them if there was a potential for harm to the kids and I let it be a lesson in letting go of things. It sounds very Buddhist, I assure you I went kicking and screaming all the way. Holes in walls, missing plumbing, no clothes in the house, ripping out everything, it was just stuff! We are now almost done with reconstruction with a couple of things left to do. The kids got involved and took an interest in this house and now feel it is more theirs than ever. As to what is gone, it is gone. I have baby pictures and baby blankets and the kids and the dogs.

The kids, Bryce is doing ok but Ben requires surgery in January to fix his nose and stop the nose bleeds that are almost constant. But he is doing better with the new heating and air purification system in the house. I am fearful of this given how his history is but it must be done and I will be there every step of the way to ensure he is OK. It falls into the bad things happen but we in the long term are going to be OK. My health is stable and after my annual appointment with my cardiologist, I check out fine being this is the 4th year anniversary of my open heart surgery. On December 23 Ben and I spent the day together as this was the day he came home over 4 years ago. It was a very special day and for moments like that and the change these children have brought to my life I am forever grateful. I know I can do what MUST be done if I always put the kids first and their emotional, physical and spiritual needs first. I matter as a father, the greatest role a man can play.

My mother and her health: It has been a roller coaster ride. Her emotional state is not in perspective and I struggle with how she is acting. I cannot change her but only let her live out her life. She is a deadly and destructive force at this juncture and I have had to come to terms with my own misgivings about her and the truth that surrounds hers and my relationship. No matter what I do in this life it will never be good enough for her and she is second to no one. I fulfill my obligatory duties but after this disaster of a Christmas, I will steer clear of her and the malady she brings with her. I may write about that at a later date but at this juncture I prepare to be absent my biological after her demise. The funny part about it is that the family I have created is much stronger than the one that I was born into.

Well, that is it from this end. I am proud to say that I finished this in a day (Between 4 a.m. and 8 p.m.) and in the interim I had precious moments with my kids and now am off to spoil myself with some BAD TV. I WISH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU A HAPPY NEW YEAR!