WAY OUT PARENTING: SANTA CLAUS LIKES GAY FAMILIES!

This is the time of year when children around the world anticipate the arrival of their patron saint, Santa Claus. On playgrounds, at play dates, and in playgroups, Santa is their single obsession. Children, like adults, love to demonstrate their extensive knowledge on subjects dear to their heart, and so…

They share their personal Santa experiences:
I heard him on my roof last year…
He loved the chocolate macaroons we left for him, but he didn’t drink the milk…
He gave me exactly what I asked for…

They claim to have deep biographical knowledge about Santa:
He’s 321 years old…
He has 78 elves…
He was born in this place called Lapland…
He’s been giving gifts for centuries…
He has magic dust that comes out of his scalp like dandruff…

And once in a while, in their effort to claim preferred status, things turn ugly:
Santa doesn’t like gay families. If he finds out your parents are gay, he stops coming to your house.

Have you done your Santa education so your child can refute the meanies and offer up their own share of Santa facts? If not, here’s what they need to know.

Santa does likes gay families.
While Santa himself is not gay (Mrs. Clause is not his other beard), he is the ultimate gay-friendly being. After all, he has established his own remote northern village where he lives with an entire community of elves. And everyone knows about elves. They’re hundreds of years old, still act like children, never age, and love Christmas kitsch. They gotta be gay, and Santa would be nothing without them.

Santa always brings presents to children with gay parents.
In fact, Santa has been known to deposit a few extra packages for children with gay parents. This is because Santa knows some of these children get teased at school, omitted from party lists, and overlooked by grandparents who aren’t very grand when it comes to getting past the gay issue.

Santa loves really good Christmas trees, which many gay people have.
Also, Santa doesn’t want to miss the spectacular Christmas tree displays of gay men with vast vintage glass blown ornament collections. Santa loves a well-executed tree. And he appreciates the efforts of rugged, back-to-the-land lesbians who march out to the forest and chop down their own Christmas trees. From his sleigh, he is drawn down to their homes by the aromatic pine scent of their freshly cut trees.

Santa knows gay people have a lot of holiday spirit and he appreciates this.
Santa knows that many gay parents never felt the joy of Christmas as children. They were too busy being miserable, suicidal, and ashamed of who they were. And they never felt the joy of Christmas as adults either, because every holiday brought them home to the same people who tortured them as children and now asked them, “When are you going to get married?” Now that they have children themselves, these gay parents are reliving their childhood along with their children, so they always make Christmas a really big deal. On Christmas Eve, they leave out the tastiest cookies, the coldest milk, and the nicest notes.

Santa does NOT like gay haters.
He has been known to leave them coal or sticks. When he does leave them presents, it’s only in the hope that they will discover the true meaning of Christmas and stop being so mean.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.