WAY OUT PARENTING: WHAT IF BRITNEY SPEARS HAD BEEN A CHILD OF GAYS?

Do you ever imagine how your life might have been different had you been born into different circumstances? Imagine for a moment that Britney Spears had not been born the daughter of Lynne and Jamie Spears. Instead, she’d been the child of two gay moms or dads who conceived her with the help of high-tech reproductive technologies rarely employed in rural Mississippi where vodka tonics and Budweisers on a Saturday night are more typical precursors to pregnancy.

Would Britney’s life trajectory have been any different? Would she have been a “better” person? Would she have learned to wear underwear? Would she have lost custody of her children? Who knows. There’s plenty of evidence that addictive, self-destructive personalities are born, not made. But it’s fun to conjecture, so let’s look at some Britney milestones and how they might have played out differently had she been a Child of Gays.

Britney in Real Life	Britney, Child of Gays
…was raised a Southern Baptist.	The Southern Baptist Convention likes to quote Romans 1, which states that we (homosexuals) “exchanged the truth of God for a lie” and “exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.” In other words, we chose our sinful lifestyle, and we deserve all the punishment society wants to throw at us. Would you attend this church with your child? Britney would have been raised an Episcopalian, a Unitarian, a Presbyterian—anything but a Southern Baptist.
…auditioned but was not selected for The New Mickey Mouse Club on the Disney Channel when she was eight.	Most gay parents (at least the fathers) know the musical Gypsy (book by openly gay Arthur Laurents). We identify with Mama Rose and her unfulfilled dreams. Mama Rose wanted to be a star, and we wanted to be ourselves. But Mama Rose should have pursued her own ambitions instead of becoming a stage mom. As gay parents, we have achieved our dream. We don’t need to live it through our child. Britney’s gay parents would have been happy watching her perform in an amateur school production of The Little Mermaid. They probably wouldn’t have steered her on a child-acting course.
…appeared in a number of off-Broadway productions until she landed a spot on Star Search.	Seeing that little Britney was determined to follow her own acting ambitions, her gay parents would have gotten completely behind her. However, they would have preferred to see her take the leap from Off Broadway to Broadway—not to Hollywood. After all, Broadway belongs to our people. We light its stages, decorate its sets, costume its stars, dance in its chorus lines. And of course, we write its show tunes. On Broadway, the “ten percent” rule doesn’t apply. Britney’s gay parents would have supplemented her struggling actor’s waitress wages so that she could afford a studio apartment, see a vocal coach, take dance lessons at Steps, and become the next gay-supportive Patti Lupone.
…posed on the cover of Rolling Stone in a black push-up bra while holding Tinky Winky under her arm.	Britney would NOT have posed on the cover of Rolling Stone in her black push-up bra holding Tinky Winky, because her gay fathers would have forbidden the crass exploitation of this innocent though much-maligned character. Her lesbian mothers would have opposed the obvious undertones of child pornography.
…took marriage vows in the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas and stayed married all of fifty-five hours.	No Child of Gays would take marriage so lightly. Our children understand that their parents have been denied this basic human right to legalize their relationship. They also know that, as a result, they themselves have been denied certain basic protections afforded to Children of Straights. Even in a haze of alcohol and drugs, Britney would have thought twice before trivializing the marriage institution.
…was photographed by paparazzi while wearing no underwear as she alighted from a car.	Where does exhibitionism have its roots? In brain chemistry? In the loose boundaries between dysfunctional parents and their children? In the mixed up sexualized world of child acting in hollywood? Whatever the cause, gay parents would discourage it. Gay parents, after all, are more concerned about propriety than the average straight parent. They would know that any acting out on Britney’s part could be interpreted as parental misconduct on their part and result in an unwanted visit from social services. Young Britney would have become accostomed to the fit of cotton briefs at an early age. And she would have understood that certain anatomical features should never be recorded in a digital format.
…was photographed by paparazzi while nude sunbathing in a most unflattering position.	Straight parents regularly forget that one application of sunblock does not last all day. Gay parents can't afford to forget this, however, and allow their children to go to school with peeling first-degree-burned skin. "Look," people would whisper. "They call themselves parents? They can't even protect their children from the sun. They are completely unfit—but then, we knew that already. Poor kids." Britney’s gay parents would have instilled the fear of melanoma, age spots, sunstroke, and untold other consequences to excessive sun exposure. Britney might have suffered cancer phobias, but she wouldn’t have spread her legs on the chaise longue.
…kissed Madonna on the lips at the MTV Music Awards.	If she had kissed Madonna, but she would have followed up the kiss with, “That’s for you, Mommy and Mama!” But chances are, she would have been at the Tony Awards instead.
…lost custody of her children.	Every Child of Gays is the product of their gay parents’ courage and determination. And from an early age, they know the story of how they came to us. Each gay family’s story is a little different in the details. They include tales of adoptions in far away orphanages; pregnancies achieved on a final desperate egg transfer attempt; foster parents fighting for full custody; joyful pregnancies; and more. But all of these stories share a recurring theme: overcoming the odds. Our children listen raptly, because it is their story, too. And they learn what all parents should know: that children come before anything else. Britney would have known that, too.