Way Out Parenting: What should you do if your adoption hearing judge gives your infant a lollipop?

Submitted by Way Out Parent on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 9:35pm.

The fact that you can ask this question means you are one of the fortunate few who live in a state where gay/lesbian adoption and second parent adoption is condoned or even considered. By the time you mount the steps to the imposing family or probate court building for your hearing, you will have already fulfilled most of the requirements on your journey to adoption:

• the filing of legal documents;

• the completion of lengthy application forms;

• the submission of numerous personal references from straight professional friends and associates who have attested to your outstanding character;

• the dreaded home visit during which you felt as if everything you said or didn’t say was being interpreted by the social worker as potential evidence of your misqualifications for parenthood.

You have almost reached the finish line, but you can’t let down your guard yet. Follow these instructions:

1. Dress as if you’re going on the most important job interview of your life—because you are!

2. Dress your child in her finest attire, too. Remember, her appearance will reflect directly on you.

3. Get to the courthouse early. Your attorney will meet and prep you, or just talk you down from your cliff of anxiety.

4. It’s always better to know what you are getting into. Though your attorney may not volunteer this information, he or she will know which judge you are scheduled to meet with and what that judge’s gay adoption reputation and quantifiable track record is. Ask your attorney about the judge. If you sense evasion in his or her answer, it is probably your attorney’s attempt to shield you from potentially alarming news. In this case, use the guide below to interpret what your attorney has told you.

Guide to Interpreting Your Adoption Attorney

Your Attorney's Description of Your Judge	Appropriate Inferences
“You’re lucky. Your got the good one.”	Your judge has a solid track record of approving gay adoptions. You can relax.”
“We should be fine. Just answer her questions politely.”	Your judge is not solidly in the advocate camp. While he or she may have approved most gay adoptions, there may also have been a few exceptions.
“You may get some questions from left field. Just go with the flow.”	Your judge has been on the bench too long and his or her brain has been affected by nightly consumption of alcohol. He or she may in fact be supplementing the nightly intake between hearings.
“He’s a stickler. Keep your answers short and to the point. Don’t have a conversation. Watch me for signals.”	Your judge will be looking for reasons to turn down your application. Beware.

5. Remember that in the chambers, the judge is God. She will have a lowly clerk, or minion, who does her bidding, and she may enjoy putting this minion to work in your presence. “Get them some water,” she may say. Do not make the mistake of insisting, “Oh, no. We’re fine.” Accept her offering and thank her for her beneficence. You are the humble petitioner and she is Mistress of the Manor.

6. Some judges feel compelled to prove that they like and are good with children although this may be far from the truth. Do not be shocked if your judge snaps her finger and orders her minion, “Get a lollipop!” This has been known to happen during adoption hearings even when the child in question is below the age of one and has never sampled candy before. Now is not the time to demonstrate your uncompromising stance on refined sugar. Try not to wince as your infant gleefully gets her first taste of forbidden corn syrup and proceeds to coat her entire face with it.

7. Judges perceive their chambers to be like semiconductor clean rooms. At some point, your child—whose small motor control has not really developed sufficiently to secure a lollipop firmly—may drop said lollipop to the floor. A wave of relief will roll over you as you assume the candy episode is over. But it isn’t. Your judge may very well snap his fingers at the minion, have the lollipop picked up, and returned unrinsed to the child. If this happens, focus on the last question you were asked and concentrate on your answer instead of the microscopic organisms that are now in your child’s mouth.

8. Keep telling yourself, “We can survive this. We’ve gotten through everything else.”

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