Way Out Parenting: You’re about to be a parent. There’s just one problem. You forgot to come out to your family…Now what???

Gay people, like all others, have a knack for putting the cart before the horse. Very few of us actually think about the consequences of our actions. Where’s the fun in that, after all? While you were serving coffee to your adoption social worker and thinking “Does she like us? Will we pass the test?” or lying knees up after your insemination praying “Dear God, please let this be the month because I’m afraid my girlfriend won’t stick with this much longer,” you forgot to consider that five months ahead was Christmas and at Christmas time you always fly home to Nebraska to visit your parents, your twelve aunts and uncles, and scores of cousins, none of whom even know you are gay.

Since the Stonewall Riots of 1969, gays have been declaring their right to live openly and proudly in greater and greater numbers. And through the decades, certain coming-out-to-parent patterns and rituals have become established within the gay community. We now know definitively, for example, that the optimal time for gays to declare their identity to a parent is between the ages of 16 and 29. These are the years when all children—gay, straight, or otherwise—disappoint their parents the most. Thus, the shock and outrage parents feel at the news their child is gay is mitigated by the concurrent news that the child of a neighbor or friend is dropping out of medical school, giving birth to a child out of wedlock, moving to LA to become a surf bum, or joining the military or priesthood. Parents have ample time to vent their anger, downshift to resignation, and ultimately achieve acceptance as they observe that their child’s fate isn’t so bad after all.

If you are still in this Under Twenty-Nine Group, there’s no need for you to panic. Just make your double announcement (“I’m gay and I’m going to be a parent”), brace yourself for a few days or weeks of discomfort, and get on with your stroller shopping.

It’s far more likely, however, that you are in the Over-Thirty Group. Gays who delay the coming out process until their thirties have been hoping that time would do the difficult work for them. “Surely my parents will pick up on the clues eventually,” these children rationalize. Unfortunately, their parents have no more desire to face the truth than their children. “Surely,” they tell themselves, “our son/daughter will tell us if he/she really wants us to know.” Unmarried, living with a same-sex “friend” or “roommate,” these gay children and their parents sink deeper and deeper into denial with each thirty-something birthday that passes.

If you are in your thirties and about to be a parent, you have no choice but to come out—unless you plan to stage your death and move to Central America for the rest of your life. Follow the steps below:

1.Have a glass of wine (it may be your last one for several months anyway, if you are a pregnant lesbian).

2.Dial your parents.

3.Regardless of who picks up the other line, identify yourself quickly and blurt out your confession in the first words that come to your mind. If you pause to consider your words, you’ll end up discussing Barack Obama’s chances in the general election, how much you paid for your last tank of gas, or how many gold medals Mark Phelps will get in Beijing. Remember, your parents will probably be as relieved as you are to acknowledge this elephant that’s been in your kitchen.

4.Give your parents at least three months to process your homosexuality. Then call and tell them, “Congratulations! You are going to be grandparents!” Note: If step 3 does not go well, skip step 4 and continue with the rest of this checklist. We will address Problem Parents in a future entry.

If you have already reached the age of forty without coming out, then you are, sadly, among the Entrenched Deniers. Coming out to your parents is the last thing in your mind. In fact, with each forty-something year that passes, you find yourself wondering more and more often if you really are gay anyway. You’re far more interested in tracking your 401K returns than your frequency of conjugal relations. By the time you reach fifty, you may look at your partner and think, “What’s to confess anyway? Once upon a time we were roommates with benefits, but now we’re just roommates. And why upset the poor, aging parents? They’re in no condition for the news.”

Not many Entrenched Deniers have children, but if you are one of them, then you need to break free from the shackles of denial in a big way. A phone call home will not suffice. You need a major event—part coming out party, part wedding ceremony, part baby shower. Hire an experienced gay events planner immediately. This is too big to handle on your own.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.