Way Out Parenting: How do you know if you’re really ready to be a parent?

You have to want a child badly, but how do you know you do? Chances are you will not simply wake up one morning convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you want to get pregnant or adopt or find a surrogate and live the rest of your life as a gay parent in the Mostly Straight World. The signs creep up on you gradually. They are insidious but ultimately unmistakable. Below is a list of the most frequent symptoms. If you have observed any of these in yourself or in a partner, don’t be frightened. None of these symptoms are dangerous to your health—only to your freedom and discretionary income. How many of them do you have?

Ten Symptoms of Impending Parenthood

1.You find yourself listening attentively—not rolling your eyes—when a straight colleague describes in elaborate detail her six-month-old’s most recent developmental milestone.

2.Unlike your gay friends, you don’t flash impatient, disapproving looks when your weekly Sunday brunch is punctuated beginning to end by the screams of twin newborns who should be home in their crib but instead are one table over from yours with their completely distraught and overwhelmed straight parents who were desperate for an outing.

3.On a quick stop at the Gap to pick up some jeans, you wander into the Baby Gap section, hold up a pink, flowered onesie, and wonder when Tom Ford is going to start designing some.

4.Your ears perk up in the line at Starbuck’s when you realize the two straight mothers behind you are discussing the strengths and weaknesses of the local public elementary school.

5.You vehemently tell your therapist, “I could do such a better job raising a straight child than my parents did raising a gay one.”

6.At night, while your partner is sleeping, you secretly create a California Cryobank account and peruse the sperm donor profiles.

7.You hear a mother call out, “Lance! Lance, honey, come here!” and think, “If I ever have a son, he will not be a Lance. Too many gay male porn stars have that name.”

8. You fear you’ve inherited your alcoholic mother’s compulsivity genes after all because you feel an almost irresistible impulse to purchase a two or three bedroom apartment even though the market is volatile and this is not the time to be taking on more debt.

9.At a party, you meet a gay couple that just returned from Romania with a child and you corner them on the couch and fire questions at them until the party host comes to their rescue.

10.You calculate all the money you’ve spent in one year alone on vacations, new clothes, and gay fundraising events where you got to shake hands fleetingly with Rosie O’Donnell, Barney Frank, Cynthia Nixon, and Christine Quinn, and you think, “I could have paid for three surrogate births.”

Use the answer key below to assess your level of interest in becoming a parent.

Answer Key
If you have experience…
• 1 to 2 symptoms: You are still exploring your options. Don’t pressure yourself.
• 3 to 5 symptoms: You are definitely interested in the concept of gay parenting, but not quite ready to commit.
• 6 to 10 symptoms: You are ready for the adventure. Don’t wait any longer!

PS: Did you experience other symptoms? Tell me about them.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith