"I don’t think this is a legal issue – it’s a moral issue" - Stephanie ('donor' conceived adult) leading the debate

Submitted by Donor Conceived on Sat, 09/12/2009 - 10:23pm

The fourth of a series of posts:
A 'donor' conceived adult responds to Professor Shapiros blog post: "http://julieshapiro.wordpress.com/2009/09/09/anonymous-donors-and-what-to-do-about-them/#comments"

Stephanie:

"Legal issues are very important yet we have to be careful to remember that moral law will always hold us to a higher standard than laws made by man. Man-made laws reflect what is going on in society and culture…they change, some become obsolete, some must be updated as technology progresses, etc. The law of the land can only put boundaries around our behaviors – it’s against the law do hateful things (murder, rape, robbery, etc). But we can’t legislate what goes on in someone’s heart – it’s not against the law to be hateful.

So when we come to a situation as complex as using one man’s sperm to help create a child for another man to raise as his own, we can argue all sides of it until the cows come home. But at the center of this, I don’t think this is a legal issue – it’s a moral issue. Being anonymous doesn’t protect you from what is right and what is wrong. When you help create a life, whether it is by the actual sexual act or whether there is a third party involved, you are still creating a life. The man who helps create a life is a father whether he wants to call himself a father or not. He can say that the law is on his side, but morally, he created a life and when you create a life, you are a parent. When you don’t take responsibility for your child, you are a bad parent. As Damian said, you can have more than two parents; us donor-conceived people usually have three (if not more) – it just so happens that one of our parents is completely absent from our lives."

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A Donor from 22 years ago.

Submitted by anonymous on Fri, 09/18/2009 - 5:08pm.

I think that 'donors' and recipients should be required to meet in person before insemination. It should also be legally required for all donors past, present and future to be known to the child at 18 and to the donor recipient from day one.

Abandoning your child at a lab who will then sell it to anyone who pays is not something that should be allowed.

As a teenager, 18, I responded to an ad in the employment section of the local newspaper to be a sperm donor. Although legally an adult, I had no clue about parenthood. My thought at the time was that it would be easy money and that it would be nice to have a child raised by a loving mom and perhaps someday meet that child.

Now, 40, I am haunted by the thought that I have a child in the world who may have wanted or needed me while growing up. I have 2 children of my own and can tell you that genes play a major role in who person becomes. My wife and I both see each other in our children and have a unique perspective on how to best help our children succeed with the unique traits they have inherited. I spend quality time with them every day and they know they are loved. I ache when I think that I may a child or children out there who deserve the same but may or may not have it.

My heart sinks when I think of my possible unknown children wondering who their father is. I love them without ever having known them and it is terrible position to be in. I would caution any teenager to think twice about donating sperm, it can not be undone and stays with you forever. I hope to one day learn if and who any of my children are.

Dear 'Donor'

Submitted by Donor Conceived on Sun, 09/20/2009 - 9:40pm.

There are so many past 'donors' who have had the same experience, concerns and feelings as you. The industry is not recruiting in a responsible way. The intentions were nice but obviously not with FULL INFORMED consent. It doesn't sound as if you were fully informed or counseled - this is a big problem - then again, at age 18 - even if you were fully informed/counseled, how could you have possibly known how you would feel at your age now, with all the life wisdom you've gathered over the years?

I absolutely agree with you - that 'donors' and recipients should be required to meet in person before insemination and legally required to be known at 18 BUT it would be MUCH better to have a loving meaningful relationship with these children (and their parents) from birth or at the very least have you available/open to your 'donor' children from as soon as they start to show an interest in you.

Have you registered at the Donor Sibling Registry? http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/

What a wonderful surprise it would be for one of your 'donor' children to find someone like you. I so so hope you all will have that opportunity someday.