When life is like white water rafting alone……

Ok, so I am getting to the point where this is almost becoming a monthly occurrence to get something posted. As life is speeding along at a rapid pace; I feel like I am paddling as fast as I can. However, is it ever fast enough?

The January Blues- January was the supposed month that we would be done with Bryce’s adoption on the 7th. Once again another snag in this quagmire we are in as I struggle to get out of it. We proceed to court on the 11th of this month to a full trial and I am hopeful we will prevail with no issues. Frankly, I am just plain tired and I need this to be over and done with and close the door on this part. I did learn from Benjamin’s adoption that no matter what, you do not relax until you walk out the door after the gavel comes down and you take back your life and settle into a routine of no social workers, watchers, court dates, parents who pop up and then disappear into the night again. I will just be thankful when it is over. I have made it this far now if I can hang in there until the end of March…I can schedule a nervous break down then!

January was also the month of personal roller coasters. Business travel used to be fun now it is not fun it is EXPENSIVE. I recently had to travel to Toronto to deliver a training program that was developed. I was so excited to go, until I was running around the night before with sick kids, packing like a maniac and writing notes. The usual cool calm collected dad was a disaster in the making. I had to juggle day care, after care, cold care, limos, Boss care, making sure all the materials got there. The benefit of flying without kids is that you can sleep on the flight and then there is room service, there is no fight for the remote control and you are not subjected to Sponge Bob. I actually got to sleep by myself until 6:30 one morning. I was almost late for breakfast with my boss and other colleagues but it was worth it. Whatever rest I got was soon gone as soon as I walked in the door and again tried to jump on the raft that is my life, rushing along this uncharted river of intentional fatherhood.

The kids are doing fine. I had a parent teacher meeting about Ben, he continues to progress and excel in school. However, he had the unfortunate incident of running into his first bigot in kindergarten. Man kids are mean. This little girl Julia, told Ben that he had a mommy and a daddy and they did not want him so they gave him away that is why he is adopted. Needless to say my heart broke hearing that and thankfully it was repairable as I had always prepared for this despite not thinking it was going to be from some little bitch whose parents ought to teach their kid kindness. Ben is fine, albeit acting out a bit. However he is five and he knows everything.
Bryce turns 2 in a week and he is coming along fine. He is much happier as he really begins to learn to talk and express himself. Today is the trial date and I could not sleep well. I just want it to be over. I would love to be in the courtroom to see what transpires and know what is happening. I am hopeful that is bio mom is still on the run to try to avoid the multiple warrants out for her arrest. Bryce is safe and happy and I just want closure today. Despite the fact that there is a period for appellate review, I just want it over as I know the likelihood of it going up on appeal is almost impossible. However, it is always there and until it passes and we are able to go into court and have this adjudicated, I keep paddling.

How am I doing? I am paddling. I have actually been dating. I did meet a man who has all the qualities I could want in a companion and boyfriend. He manages to deal well with the kids and places them first. He managed to survive a weekend of sick kids, sick dogs and did not run for the hills. I really care for him…..he has been gone for three weeks and returns home this evening. I can tell through the phone and e mail exchanges that something has changed. I think perhaps the phenomena I call “Merry-Go-Round” has set in. What I mean by that is that there are men who want children (or at least they think so) and they want to buy a ticket to try. The reality is that the ride is fun for a while and then there is the desire to get off. What they do not realize is that those of us who bought a lifetime pass, jump on and off and back on again repeatedly. It is not bad, it is what I have chosen and I have learned to get off and return to the ride and jump right back on. The simple fact is that as an intentional father you must return to the ride. As a ticket holder, you have the choice to not return as you weigh all you will give up if you were to stay. Something tells me that the price of a lifetime ticket may be to much for him. Now I may be surprised, but I will have to wait and see if the allure of “Gay Life” is greater, for most it is. I can not change that and I will go on, like I always do. However, it was nice to have a taste of what could be and in the end be satisfied if that taste is all there is, as a steady diet of instability is not in my best interest or that of the kids.

Well, that is it. It is almost 6 a.m. and the merry go round is about to start this morning. I have bus duty today and have to get the kids off and myself ready for work. In the interim I thank god my kids are alright and the river is calm for the most part right now, and the laundry is done!