DAD + DAD + CHILD

Submitted by Menrad on Sun, 12/16/2007 - 10:32pm.

As of four months ago I have become part of a family. Me, my partner, and his four year old son. My partner has been an adoptive parent for two years. Prior to us becoming a committed couple he and I dated approximately 7 years ago. This time obviously things have changed, we have matured, work in our fields and are doing ok financially, the difference now is there is a child. This parenting thing is quite different for me and admittedly sometimes I'm scared I might not do the right thing when it comes to being a positive influence on the child. A couple of weeks ago that fear become quite prominant when me and I partner were discussing how I behave or relate to our son. For what it's worth I am the type of individual who is in touch with my emotions. For instance if our son does something I think is really good I let him know it, I am extremely enthustiastic, I give hugs, high-fives, dance with joy. I believe is positive re-enforcement. I see my partner as quite the opposit of me, and I have told him so, I think he can be emotionless. Well because of the discussion my partner had I have found it very difficult to relate to the child lately. It bothers me, and I can tell our son doesn't quite understand why I'm not ringing bells and blowing whistles when he does something I would have recognized as SUPER two weeks ago. Has anyone else had a simular situation? How was it handled? Please share your story. Any recommendations would be greatly appreaciated.

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"ownership" of the child

Submitted by on Mon, 12/17/2007 - 11:51am.

I notice a slight inconsistency.. at first you mention this is your partner's son, then later you say it's "our" son... which is it? I think that on a personal level, you might want to address this. I get the impression that you are deferring to your partner's parenting ways because it is "his" son and not the both of yours, even though you may not agree with them.

For my 2 cents, I think positive reinforcement is the way to go, and I don't think you are doing anyone a favor by backing off because you don't feel you have equal stake in the father-son relationship. If you don't feel that's the case, perhaps you should back up a step and work out with your partner if you are a "daddy" or maybe more of an "uncle." And if you are a daddy, be the best daddy you can be in the way that works best for you. If you are not quite daddy, then you are probably right in respecting your partner's parenting style, but there should be no harm in telling your partner that the boy is missing the encouragement and ask him how he'd like you to proceed.

parents' emotional style with children

Submitted by on Sun, 12/23/2007 - 7:35pm.

It is normal and even mandatory that parents give positive, appreciative feedback to any growwing child. People do this in different ways so whether one has a very emotional style or not,he can be a good parent. But being "emotionless" i.e. deadened, without vitality or withholding is definitely not good. If that is an accurate description of your partner, he needs help and you should stop restricting yourself. But make sure that that rather extreme description of him is accurate before you read him the riot act. Some people express their emotions in subtler ways than others.

I am a gay father as well as a psychologist.

Be Yourself.

Submitted by brghtbear on Tue, 01/01/2008 - 5:44pm.

If you are modeling a healthy balance in front of your son, then great! It does not matter how enthusiastic or stoic you are. Most importantly, do you. That goes a long way with kids. They can see when you are not yourself, as you have stated. You two have different styles of relating to your son and that is OK. You are individuals in a family relating together.

My partner is a pretty reserved guy, most of the time. I have accused him of being emotionless. But he is not. He just doesn't express them as enthusiastically as I do. Our boys appreciate this difference between us, because they know who to go to if they want a big cheering section or just a little pat on the back.

Enjoy the differences.

ps- I can understand the switching between "our" and "his" son. You, as you stated, are new to this parenting thing and so is your way of expression. As you grow into it everything will change.