ProudParenting.com - My daughter is hysterical cause I came out to her the other day. - Comments

my kids 15 and 22 are coping poorly with my lesbian relationship

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 09:34:23 -0700

I am going through a divorce after 24 years of marriage. I have fallen in love with my tennis coach who is a lesbian. This is my first lesbian relationship and my children are very disturbed with it. They can't understand how I can love a women after being in heterosexual relationships all my life. This is a very difficult time for all of us. My 15 year old moved in with his dad because he won't except her in my life. They see me seperately, and we have a good relationship as long as my partner is not mentioned. It's hard living like this. I need thoughts on how to handle this.
lori
lorib1010@aol.com

Your daughter will be fine.

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:23:49 -0700

Hey there!

It sounds like there is a lot going on here for your daughter to absorb. Between the divorce and her Mom coming out, it's a lot for a 10 year old to handle. She's going to be mad and she's going to lash out. I imagine there will be lots of anger too. If she is not accepting your support, then make sure she has support from someone else, a counselor, therapist or coach. She needs to be able to talk it out with someone who is safe.

As the daughter of a lesbian, I can relate to some of the anger. My Mom came out to me when I was eight, but I didn't really understand what it meant until I was in high school...that's when the anger hit me. I wasn't angry at my Mom. I was angry at the situation and at society for not accepting us. I'm not saying that's what your daughters anger is. It was mine.

I hope things have calmed down for the two of you by now and that your daughter has found a supportive place to work through the anger.

One suggestion I have for you...if she starts talking with you about it again, ask her what she's "overwhelmed" about or "angry" about. Listen to her. Don't take anything she says personally, because it's not about YOU...it's about her. Let her vent and say what she needs to say. When she is done, let her know what you heard. If you can relate to anything she said, let her know. If you can understand where she's coming from, let her know. Don't try to convince her that it's okay and that she can accept the situation. Just be there for her to vent and let her know you get it. This will acknowledge how she feels and that you care.

There will come a time when she is ready to hear your side of the story. It may be years, but I'll bet she asks for it when she's ready. She's going to want to understand the relationship between you and her Father. That's a perfect opportunity to continue telling the truth and let her know that you have also come through a lot of struggle to get where you are. I'm not saying to go into your deep, dark struggle. You can just let her know that there were some hard decisions and you handled them the best you knew how. She may not understand that at the moment, but she'll absorb it and she'll get it later.

Know that your daughter is picking up way more than you know (or may ever know). Help her find a way to cope and support her in the process.

Just my thoughts.

Create a great day!
Kristen Beireis
Supporting adults with GLBT parents in creating amazing lives.

HI, I think it is best that

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 04:45:52 -0700

HI,
I think it is best that you came out to your daughter, so she doesn't keep living in the fantasy world. I think the earlier the better for the kids to know. At a younger age they don't even realize gender...I have kids ages 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 3, and 3....I was married for 12yrs. My marriage hadn't been good for a long time, and I finally decided to make changes and one of them being who we were going to move in with. My kids handled it great, they were sad about a divorce and me leaving their dad, but they coped and I think it is because I have always been so honest with them. They may not agree with me leaving their dad, but they know I needed to, and I am happier now. I think honesty is the best policy and I think your daughter will be okay, just remember to keep the communication open with her....
Good Luck,
Eileen

What's going on?

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 13:25:27 -0700

How is your daughter doing? Are you guys OK?

i have the same case

bisexualcenter — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 17:40:10 -0700

i have beeing bisxual for more than 10 years. i am addicted to it and cant get me out of it. both me and wife are bi. but we decide not to tell the truth to our beloved daughter. We feel uneasy and uncerntain. Dont know what to do and how to do. we know that some day the little girl will find it out. It will be horrible, as we imagine, a scenario.

Any suggestions?

gary
www.bicupid.com/blog/garyding

Thank you

Jeff — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 13:56:59 -0700

Your blog is brave and heartbreaking. I hope your daughter can begin the healing process soon. You may even become closer because of your truthfulness. Please keep us posted.

My daughter is hysterical cause I came out to her the other day.

katmeowrine — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 03:29:13 -0700

I have been an acting lesbian for over 6 years now. This was when my daughter was 3. She will be 10 in Nov. We were invited to join a lesbian mom's group that does things w/ their children. I thought before we go to one of their events I should come out to my daughter.