ProudParenting.com - What Comes First? - Comments

another single dad

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:57:52 -0800

When I turned 34 I knew it was now or never despite the fact that I was single. I started researching surrogacy and adoption and considered how I would pay for it. A few weeks later I was unexpectedly approached by a lesbian friend. She wanted to co-parent. Fast forward four years and we have two kids whom we split custody 50/50. Although I've tried to find a relationship during that time, I haven't had much luck. I'm not sure how I'd handle the kids if I were 100% on my own, but I don't regret taking the plunge.

Parenting is extremely demanding, especially the first year, but the rewards are unparalleled. I got lucky by finding a co-parenting situation that works out very nicely, but our set-up wouldn't be for everyone. We function somewhat like an amicably divorced couple with kids. We have family dinners once a week, and the kids go back and forth between our homes. We both see our kids every day.

So that's the nutshell version of my story. On to your questions. Your life will never be the same once you have kids. The first year after my son was born is a blur. I barely ever saw my friends, let alone go out. The nights I was lucky enough to have to myself, I would collapse and try to recover enough to go again the next day.

On the dating front, it's difficult. I've found that it tends to be the wrong kind of guy who is interested in me because of my kids, and the seemingly right ones are scared they aren't ready. Sure, I'd like to have a fairy tale romance to go with my kids, but at least I have them. Maybe someday I'll get as lucky as I was with my baby-momma.

Whether or not you wait it out is a call you have to make for yourself. With my track record, I knew I'd be too old by the time I found Mr. Right. I didn't want to be so old that I look like my kid's grandfather when they graduated. There are definitely guys out there who will find you more desirable because you have kids. My problem is that I want someone who wants to be with me first, not my kids. So I don't introduce my kids to people who I don't feel will be constants in their lives.

Same boat

bkyu38 — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 10:05:44 -0700

Hi Toronto,

I'm a few years older than you and in a very similar situation. I've also been torn because for some reason I find that I really want a biological child, which is odd because I grew up in a family with adopted siblings, so I have qualms about adoption. I also live in San Francisco, which is very expensive, so I worry about not being able to financially swing being a single parent in the Bay Area; that means I have the added consideration of possibly moving in order to parent. I don't feel a total urgency right now, but I think I need to be making this happen in the next few years or it will never happen. Good luck in making your decision. If anything happens that points you in one direction or another, please share with me.

t in sf

single dad

dagnarus75 — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 11:35:47 -0700

i was, and am, kind of in the same boat, and i do hate to say it but your fears are very real. i've dated about 5 guys since i decided to become a foster parent, and all but one of them has left me because he wasn't ready for the kid thing. some of them have made a good effort, but ultimately couldn't handle it. the one that didn't leave me for that reason, i left him because i realized he was trying to make me into his own father figure as well.

how serious are you about wanting kids? are you set on surrogacy? as a foster parent, i have noticed that i do get a "dating break" in between kids, where i am optimistic that i can meet someone new that doesn't get scared off as soon as "the call" comes in.

on the flip side, when the right *adoptable* kid comes in, i don't think that a significant other is going to matter for me. i do want a family of my own, and my family will be what i make of it, whether it is a partner and a boy, or just a boy. seems like more and more families are one-parent. how important is it for you to have a significant other in your family?

anyway, there's some food for thought. drop me a message on here if you'd like to chat more. :-)

Parenting is hard...

mikeandmichael — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 23:07:33 -0700

While I could not imagine parenting by myself - although I am sure I could - I would not recommend waiting for the "right" guy. If you really feel strongly about having a child, and you have the support network to help when things get tough, do it. Why wait?

What Comes First?

torontodwb — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 10:27:38 -0700

I’m 34, single, employed, somewhat established and relatively happy in life but wanting a family of my own. I have a supportive family, great friends but no one to share my life with. I question whether a partner or a kid should come first. I have little to no luck in the dating world – I’ve gone so far as paying for a “professional gay match-making service” and still no one, I’ve experimented with online dating sites, still no one, I’m social and venture into the bar scene, still no one.