ProudParenting.com - Parenting From A Distance - Comments

Normally, I would agree that moving for a man is not a good idea

mikeandmichael — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 23:41:05 -0700

I did it once when I was 18. I moved roughly 50 miles. The relationship lasted 1 1/2 years. I learned a great deal about gay relationships, but more importantly I learned more about myself.

Having said that, I dated someone long distance for nine months; we flew back and forth every two to three weeks during that period. At the end of that nine months, he moved from the east coast to be with me (not for a job). We are still together, and will celebrate nine YEARS in July.

In all honesty, only you can make the decision of whether it makes sense for you to move. The only advice I can give you is this...if you move, and continue seeing this man, be realistic in your expectations. You may notice that he may begin feeling a bit of pressure knowing that you moved to be with him. If you're being honest, you are moving to be with him. 'Cause really, aren't there other cities where you could find a job? And, wouldn't you have moved to one of those cities by now?

Things to think about...

Best of luck to you.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 09:07:04 -0700

Best of luck to you.

Continued...

criadora — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 17:56:11 -0700

You're right about the employment situation. Sometimes we have to move elsewhere to get ahead especially if you are paying a significant amount in child support as I am doing. I have moved a couple of other times and have had some bad luck, so you're right--she isn't going to believe me. That is the least of my worries though. The boyfriend really isn't a concern, but life is too short to pass up opportunities. I will do everything in my power to make sure my children know that they are loved and cared for as much as I possibly can. And you're right--he is just icing on the cake. Thanks for all of your feedback. I do appreciate it.

Job--yes, boyfriend--no

gaytheist — Sat, 31 May 2008 20:05:58 -0700

I understand that moving for employment may be necessary. I don't know what your divorce settlement was but my guess is that you are paying a significant sum in child support or alimony each month. Usually the ex-witch is only interested in getting her hands on your money so you have to have a job to earn it. She probably won't believe you when you tell her that you are moving for an employment opportunity and I don't think I can help you there. Again the boyfriend is a secondary concern, your children should always be your first. Happiness will come from doing what you can to support your kids. A romantic relationship for yourself is only icing on the cake.

My children will always be

criadora — Fri, 30 May 2008 13:02:41 -0700

My children will always be important to me. Unfortunately, when you have several factors against you, you somtimes have to sacrifice things in order to make things better for them in the long run.

I am living in a rural area with no job opportunities (not even part-time). My ex-wife doesn't see that and basically accuses me of moving to abandon our children which is not true. So, to make a long story short, I'm moving first and foremost for a job.

Secondly, I would be moving for the guy in a round about way. I think I deserve to be happy just like everyone does. He makes me happy. He also supports my decision to stay put if I found a job in this area.

If she decided to move (which she has considered in the past), I would support her. To go see my kids, I simply hop on a plane or train. You do what you have to do to be involved in their lives.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though, there are a lot more things that are making our relationship (mine and my ex-wife's) very stressful. I am simply trying to make things better for us.

Consider what is important.

gaytheist — Thu, 29 May 2008 08:29:59 -0700

You need to decide what is most important to you. I have a similar situation except it is the ex-witch that moved 250 miles away. I spend almost every weekend on the road either picking them up for visits or attending their events. I do not consider a 500 mile round trip for a one hour soccer game, etc to be unreasonable. I want them to know that I am still their father and that I will be there to support them.

I am in a relationship with a lifelong friend that could easily turn into a partnership. However, I would end that relationship immediately if it jeopardized the relationship with my kids and he knows that. Boyfriends come and go but the children are yours for life. Don't mess that up.

You also need to be certain what geographical restrictions are on you or your ex in the divorce decree. I have one on my ex (I was too generous) but if I move out of the same area, she then has the freedom to move anywhere. That would really make things more difficult.

What is most important.

Thu, 29 May 2008 07:35:02 -0700

Consider what is most important. I have a similar situation except it is the ex-witch that moved 250 miles away. I spend most every weekend on the road to either pick them up for visits or to attend their events. I do not consider a 500 mile round trip for a 1 hour soccer game etc to be unreasonable. I want the kids to know that I am still their father and I will be there for them. My relationship with a lifelong friend that could easily turn into a partnership would be ended immediately if it jeopardized my relationship with my kids and he knows that. Boyfriends come and go but your children are yours for life. Don't mess that up.

He does know about the

criadora — Thu, 29 May 2008 07:31:56 -0700

He does know about the ex-wife and kids. He adores children and is definitely open to having a family. He is very supportive of me and whatever decisions I make. That's part of unconditional love. If I had it my way, my kids would come with me, but I know that's going to happen. All in all, he is a rare find when it comes to men.

I totally agree!!

Twodads — Tue, 27 May 2008 22:37:46 -0700

There are two things that I wanted to know does this incredible man know about the ex-wife and the kids? and secondly if yes what does he think? Does he want to have a family? ok that was three questions...

Casey and Larry Wagter-Connell

moving for a man..

dagnarus75 — Mon, 26 May 2008 18:32:27 -0700

I think you are right and wrong. I think if you want to move, that is just fine and dandy. If you want to move *for a man* you are (sorry, I won't mince words) a fool.

Consider the place you are going to move to, and ask yourself if you would ever move there by yourself. If the answer is yes, then move there on that basis and pursue the relationship with your man as tho you lived in the same town. If the answer is no, maybe you should ask him to move to you. If he isn't willing to, then maybe he ain't so great after all.

As for approaching the ex-wife, I am probably less in the know about this, but I would suggest a solid plan in place before moving on how you are going to continue being with the kids at the same level you are now. If you can't do that, you'll have to ask yourself which is the higher priority.

And remember to be honest with yourself. If you fudge even the slightest bit, it sounds like you'll be hurting a lot more people than just yourself.

Parenting From A Distance

criadora — Sun, 25 May 2008 15:01:01 -0700

I'm a 33-year-old, single gay male. I have three children. I have two boys with my ex-wife and she has a daughter from a previous relationship. I currently live in the same town as they do, but I am considering moving. The reason I would be moving is because I have met an incredible man that I love and adore. It's not a mere infatuation as most people might think. He and I have met face-to-face and spent quite a bit of time together despite our distance. The relationship has been going on since late November. I haven't told my ex-wife about this and I was wondering how I should approach her.