in february... we both knew we were pregnant... it was only 10 DPO and we just new. She had spotting at 8 Dpo and Her whole body was being wonky. We knew. My most beautiful, wonderful partner was carrying our child. The tests couldn't tell us yet, but we knew. it was like she just instantly started glowing...
On Feb 27, we went to the DAM, we were so careful about what she ate (there was ginger in her salad dressing, she was so worried about it being too much and causing a problem, but I encouraged her becuase she hates ginger and there wasn't much and she was craving it like no tomoorow... Is that what caused it?) We made sure to pump her fluids and be easy on her body and I took so many pictures because it was the day that we were SO SURE... Even in those pics, you can't deny, she was glowing...
I don't remember exactly when, but she started having some REALLY bad cramps and her menses showed at 15 DPO, three days late... after a few more days of weird spotting... the pg test was neg the night before... Which means that our baby stopped producing hormones too soon for him or her to show... But we knew...
I don't feel like I can post on the forums for birth loss because we never got a confirmed pg. but I feel it.
That day at the DAM, we made postcards, I made one for her and one for our bean... i'm glad that we didn't have the change to buy postage, because it would have arrived just as the bean left her body. They all got put on top of the fridge and just this weekend our friend pulled the stuff down from there to clean it off for us... I'm so glad DP didn't go through that stuff, she didn't know about that card, it was to be a wonderful surprize, and now it would jsut be a hurtful surprize. I went through the pile... SHe was in the bathroom, he was sitting on the couch, watching me... I cried as I told him beans story...
I keep reading in the birth loss forums, it's compulsive... I am just now realizing that it only started after we lost the bean... She spoke of bean today... actually, she spoke of "that trip to the DAM, when we were sure I was" she didn't even finish the sentence.

I don't know what I am hoping to come of this... I want to mourn the bean... but I can't let myself because the bean was never official. But I am still thinking of our little bean.
I am aware that things would be all official now, and there would be doctors appts and what not... But instead, her worst fears came true... she lost the baby, just like her mother did 8 times... and her aunt, and her grandma...

But now, she is back on her muscle relaxers, to prevent spasms, she is back on acid reflux meds, she is allowed to take tramidol (sp??) again... And she is not going to try and carry our child.

My body is stronger, my family has am easier time having babies... and the child will still be ours.

But The bean was ours too.

I don't know how to deal with this loss.