Advice & Education-Related Blog Posts

I have a meeting today with Jim Toy (lifetime GLBT activist) and a large developer in the Ann Arbor, MI area about the beginning plans to try to develop a GLBT retirement community in Ann Arbor, MI. As a lifetime Health Care worker (and lesbian :) ), I am very excited; this has been a dream of mine for years. This company is getting ready to open one in Savannah, Georgia, www.palmcourtsavannah.com, and now that they have and idea of how this goes, they are feeling out for the interest for one in Ann Arbor. I was invited to the meeting as someone with a health care background, and I am really hoping that the project pans out and this meeting leads to a top position for me.
Wish me luck!

Ok, so, if you have been reading any of my blogs, you have probably figured out that we are pretty anal retentive. We are forever over-prepared and over-researched and over-thought-out. It's just who we are. Shannon is obsessed with organization and plans, and I am obsessed with knowledge. Our friends probably think we are crazy, but we're happy. lol.

Anyways, that was my preamble as to why I have researched every prenatal vitamin there is and finally ordered one to start taking over 3 months before we TTC (over-prepared). Promise Prenatal Vitamins.

I just wanted to put this out there for anyone who hasn't run into them yet. This isn't an endorsement, I haven't even taken them yet, they are just the only vitamins that I found that followed all the rules I have read (Vitamin A is bad for fertility, you need Vitamin A for pregnancy but not too much...etc, etc, etc...) and they do not have any complaints about making women sick because the iron is encapsulated. I took the ingredient list to my doctor and she said it looked good to her, so I ordered them.

My partner and I are starting the process of haveing our first child. We are doing a home insemination with a unknown donor sperm from a bank. She is going to carry the first baby and we are concerned about my name being on the birth certificate. We live in central FL. We understand that FL will not allow us to do a second parent adoption, so what are some other options? We are willing to have the baby in a different state or do whatever we have to, to insure we both are on the birth certificate. PLEASE HELP!!!

as you all know, crystalyn and i are trying for baby #2. we are not into all the medications such as chlomid ect. and i am not the most regular person when it comes to my menstrual cycle. I have been worried that this problem might make my possibility of getting pregnant alot harder than it was when crystalyn carried. (we got pregnant on the first shot) but today i was enlightened and found a simple CHEAP non risky solution. its called VITEX! or some may also know it as chaste tree. it is an herbal suppliment that is very known for the regulation of periods and ovulation cycles and when taken with the combination of green tea it increases your chances of conceiving by over 300%!!!! oh my god do you not LOVE those odds? so for all you women who may or even may not have irregularity this is a proven effective way to super boost your fertility. i have heard first hand that this method works and i began my suppliments today so i will keep you updated as to whether or not over the next couple months how it is working.

My partner and I are in the early stages of research and planning. We will be getting married in the summer of 2009 and don't plan on trying to add a child into our lives until 2-3 years after that. However, we are trying to conduct all of the necessary research now so that we can figure out exactly what to do.

The main thing is the confusion and frustration that this process (even in the preliminary stage) can bring about. Conversations concerning known donors and unknown donors, should we ask a friend, even though we have the urge/desire/yearning/drive/love to parent should we be parenting. The list goes on and I.

I guess we I am just looking for some advice on how to go about this whole process. My partner and I are currently reading The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians: How to Stay Sane and Care for Yourself from Pre-conception through Birth, 2nd Edition

Just looking for advice.

Just out of curiosity, and because this is a concern for my future children, have any of you had issues with your children of gay parents being allowed to attend christian or catholic schools in the states? My partner and I were both privately educated through both Lutheran and Catholic schools, and want the same for our Children. A nagging concern of mine is that we will face a great deal of discrimination when it comes time for us to search for schools. I am interested to hear your experiences, especially if you live in the south.

Hi my name is Gee and I want my wife to have my baby so we were planning on giving her my egg and have her artificially inseminated I know that there is a process but I dont know where to look or how to do it can someone please help.

Gay Dads Australia is in the process of archiving Australian media reports in relation to Gay Dads, Lesbian Mums/Moms and Rainbow Families in Australia. The sites aim is to provide a resource for those people interested in looking at how our Rainbow Families are portrayed in the Australian print and television media.

In recent years there has been significant interest in our families and how we create them. Also there has been a large number of gay dads and lesbian mums/moms who have actively been telling "our stories" to the wider community. We believe that it is only through the wider community coming to know our stories of love and family that attitudes (and laws) will change.

We are currently collecting and adding new material to the site which is part of the Gay Dads Australia (www.gaydadsaustralia.com) website.

To view the archive, please visit http://gaydadsaustralia.blogspot.com

Rodney Cruise

Q: What is Surrogate Monitoring?
A: Surrogate monitoring is a proven and structured system of contact between an FCS Mental Health Professional, who is an expert in assisted reproduction, and your surrogate. It is designed to guide and support your surrogate throughout the third party reproductive process.

Q: Why does my surrogate need psychological monitoring services?
A: Surrogacy is like a marathon, in that it will test her physical and emotional endurance. Your surrogate's experience may still incite many emotions even when the process goes perfectly. Thus, during the surrogacy, FCS provides someone who has active listening of the surrogate. The FCS Mental Health Professional will be there for the purpose of receiving the surrogate's communication so that she feels happy, supported, and understood. In that sense, monitoring is a security blanket for Intended Parents as well, so that you may experience ease and peace of mind on your journey to parenthood.

Q: Why psychologically screen a surrogate?
A: Surrogates undergo extensive psychological assessment to rule out any underlying mental illness or issue that would preclude them from becoming surrogates. The screening evaluates her motivation, stability, support system, underlying beliefs about surrogacy, fertility, etc. Her partner is also screened for mental illness and whether or not he or she completely supports the surrogacy process. It must also be verified that both the surrogate and her partner know that they are consenting to the surrogacy freely.

Q: How does the psychological screening help with the overall surrogacy process?
A: The screening evaluates what type of experience that the surrogate is hoping to have, which will assist in matching her expectations with those of the client's. For example, the screening will determine the kind of contact that the surrogate hopes to have with the clients, both during and after the surrogacy process, to ensure that all parties involved are on the same page.

Q: Why psychologically screen an egg donor?
A: Unlike the surrogate, the egg donor's actual role is brief in duration, but no less important. The psychological assessment of the egg donor focuses on her psychological state, which will rule out mental illness or issues that would preclude her from being a donor. It will also address her definition and perception of ovum donation to ensure that she has a clear understanding of what it means to her to be an egg donor.

Q: What does the psychological screening consist of?
A: Surrogates and egg donors are given a series of objective psychological tests, as well as an extensive clinical interview by an FCS Mental Health Professional, who is an expert in the field of assisted reproduction.

Q: I'm exploring becoming a parent through assisted reproduction. How can FCS help me?
A: FCS can be helpful in three ways:

1. As experts in the field of fertility and assisted reproduction, FCS can help you get clarity about what you want and what journey is right for you.
2. As a resource connected with a vast network of allied professionals, FCS can refer you to Reproductive Endocrinologists, Attorneys, Surrogacy Agencies and Egg Donor Agencies.
3. FCS can guide you in talking to your children, co-workers, family, etc., about your family creation.

My partner and I have been together 6 1/2 years. We currently live in Manhattan. He and I have just begun to talk about starting a family - a daunting conversation to be sure. We are looking at moving outside the city, so our future children can have some space and good public schools. He works two days a week in Connecticut, so we're thinking of looking in either Westchester or Southern Connecticut - something close to a train so we can zip into NYC when we want. We would love to find a community where we aren't the only gay parents around.

Does anybody live in the burbs around here or have friends that do, that might be able to steer us toward some welcoming communitites?

Thanks,

-Dan

Hello! My name is Marla. I would like to adopt a child ag 3-9 in the next few years and would love to find a co-parent to share responsibility, as my partner does not want to do the day to day parenting again but play more of an aunt role. We plan to live separately while I raised my child. I think I'll be a better mom if there is another parent in the picture... kind of like a divorce custody situation... I know it's not ideal, but there are lots of kids out there who need homes and I know I can make it work if I find the right person who has similar values and someone I will develop a friendship with first! Has anyone ever heard of someone doing anything like this before?? I can't find anyone who has or any gay men who want anything other than a biological child... any suggestions of where to look??
Thanks!
Marla
marscobin at yahoo

No doubt adolescence is tough. And for teens growing-up in lesbian and gay households, it can be even tougher. Nevertheless, lesbian and gay parents who are aware of the particular challenges their teens are likely to face can respond with a set of interventions that are meaningful as they are practical. Delivered thoughtfully, these focused actions can help lesbian and gay parents ease the stress of a sometimes burdensome period of family life.

Lesbian and gay parents can expect that their teens will face some challenging issues related to their entry into adolescence; they might also expect the possibility of their teens encountering the social stigmas often associated with children who are raised within non-traditional families. Therefore, setting a foundation of sound preparation, support and instruction can enable lesbian and gay parents to increase positive developmental outcomes for their adolescent sons and daughters.

Who am I? Do I fit in? Will someone else love me besides my parents? Can I make it on my own? Am I straight or gay? These are just a few of the questions many teenagers will pose to themselves and others during the adolescent time of their lives. Discovering the answers to these questions is, in the simplest of terms, the winning goal every teenager must score before moving on to a fully integrated adult life.

In fact, every teenager is uniquely positioned to respond to various issues of personal growth and development. Adolescence is the very time for this. The following is a list of generally accepted principles of adolescence; identifiable tasks created to help explain what it is a teenager must address during this stage of their personal development:

• To achieve a new level of closeness and trust with peers

• To gain independence from parents and to develop a new status within the family

• To develop a sense of personal identity

• To address issues of sexuality

• To acquire a set of values and ethics to guide behavior

• To move toward autonomy in the world

Accomplishment of these monumental tasks settles upon the teenager’s development of an unwavering sense of identity, a stable sense of who they are in relationship to the rest of the world. Once they accomplish this, they are better equipped to begin addressing what will be the responsibilities and freedoms of their adult lives.

For the teen being raised by lesbian or gay parents, this process may be complicated by a fear of discrimination brought about by social stigma. Although the body of research on the psychological well-being of children raised by lesbian and gay parents is favorable (it reports no notable differences between children raised by lesbian and gay parents and those raised by heterosexuals), some teens within this group choose to hide, delay or selectively disclose the details of their family’s gender characteristics. While doing so may elicit some temporary gain, such as allowing the teenager an adequate amount of time to “come out” to peers, it also suggests that some teens raised by lesbian and gay parents are struggling with coming out to peers about their families, on the one hand, and avoiding discrimination on the other.

How can lesbian and gay parents help their teenagers resolve this conflict? That is the question. Simply put, lesbian and gay parents can help by educating themselves about the number of practical tools available to them to counteract the effects of homophobia and discrimination. For example, the following table includes several things I recommend to parents who are worried about their child being teased about having “two mommies” or “two daddies.” These interventions were adapted from research studies on lesbian and gay parenting, and from my own clinical experience working with lesbian and gay families. Together, I refer to them as the “Tasks of Adolescence for Queer Parents.” They are simply practical ways that lesbian and gay parents can proactively guide their teenagers through the complexities of adolescence.

Parental Task: To establish a pattern of warm and open communication

Helpful Tips:

• Schedule time each week for you and your teen to talk and do fun things together

• Model the use of active listening skills, such as summarizing what you heard your teen say. This is especially important to remember during times of conflict

• Set the ground rule that your teen has permission to talk to you about anything without fear of consequence, as long as the information is not used inappropriately; to punish or manipulate, for example

• Let your teen know that you are aware of the possibility that, at times, she may feel uncomfortable with the idea of disclosing particular information about the family. Let her know that this is “okay,” and that you would welcome hearing about these instances should they arise. This may help to increase the likelihood that your teen will use you as a resource for dealing with a number of issues, including how to manage social stigma

Parental Task: To create a supportive social system

Helpful Tips:

• As appropriate, include your teen in social settings in which your sexual orientation is affirmed by significant adults, straight and lesbian/gay alike. For example, you might introduce your teen to a straight colleague whom demonstrates strong support of lesbian and gay families. You could also invite your teen to have lunch with a group of your friends

• Create opportunities for your teen to have regular contact with other teenagers who are being raised by lesbian or gay parents, or whom live within other types of non-traditional families

• Engage your teen in the process of learning about racial and ethnic cultures and other groups of diversity different than your own

Parental Task: To teach effective coping skills and decision-making strategies

Helpful Tips:

• Spend some time with your teen identifying various problematic situations that could arise, which are directly related to the family’s gender makeup. This may help them to prepare for, address and/or avoid stressful situations, which may occur outside of the home

• Engage your teen in a process of identifying and prioritizing the options and resources available to them to address these situations in the moment. Teach them to weigh the “pros and cons” of each potential decision as a means of increasing their ability to problem-solve

• Practice role playing how, in particular, your teen would go about applying these decision-making strategies to “real life” situations that involve discriminatory behavior

• As appropriate, ask your teen for his opinion about how you might go about solving some of your own mundane day-to-day problems, such as how to deal with a difficult co-worker. This will keep him in the practice of thinking strategically about the tools he can use to resolve interpersonal problems at moment’s notice

Parental Task: To consider the best time to come out to the children

Helpful Tip:

• If possible, consider coming out to your children during their childhood or late adolescent years. Because younger adolescents are often preoccupied with issues of their own emerging sexuality, early and middle adolescence, (generally accepted as ages 10 – 16) may be a particularly difficult time for them to learn about the sexual orientations of their parents

Parental Task: To consider being out to the larger community

Helpful Tip:

• Being out to others is generally correlated with a greater sense of psychological well-being. This also seems to be the case for lesbian and gay parents. If you are not out to the larger community, it may, therefore, be helpful to consider the implications of doing so. You would, of course want to consider the level of social stigma that exists in your community and the fact that there may be separate “pros and cons” of coming out for your children that do not exist for you

No doubt raising teenagers can be challenging for any parent. Nevertheless, lesbian and gay parents who are confronted with the vicarious effects of social stigma may, understandably, find the task even harder. At the same time, there are ways to help. First, lesbian and gay parents can equip themselves with an active awareness of the issues their child will need to address as they enter into a new realm of personal development. Second, lesbian and gay parents can study and apply various helping strategies and techniques to support their teens through the season of adolescence; including how to address the problem of social stigma should it arise.

In short, hope for healthy adolescent development for teenagers of lesbian and gay parents lies within the creation of a family environment in which communication is open and warm; parents make thoughtful and informed decisions about family matters; and teenagers are supported and taught effective coping strategies to prepare for and respond to the problem social stigma.

Well, where do I begin? I was with my ex-girlfriend for almost three years, we broke up, one month later I had sex with a man and got pregnant. This girl was my first real homosexual relationship and after we split up I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, or where I wanted to be. It was this life that I grew accustomed to and then it was gone. I was lost. Anyways, I had no intention on jumping into another relationship with anyone and now that I'm pregnant it has kind of been forced on me by my family, the future father, and everyone else around me. I feel like I'll be frowned upon if I leave this unhappy relationship because it's not right. I would be a broken home before it even starts!! I want to give myself some time to be single and get over my ex and maybe in the future think about trying things with this man, but from going through the motions, i realize that is all i'm doing... going through the motions. i dont put any effort into this relationship to make it better because i dont want it. If i wasn't pregnant I wouldn't be in this situation, but now that there is a baby on the way I'm kind of scared about raising it in a homosexual relationship. Not because I feel it's wrong or anything like that, but because this child has a father and a mother. If i were to have a child with a woman I think that would be different, but because it wasn't conceived that way, I'm confused on what would be right for the baby.

Please someone talk to me... Is anyone out there with some sort of similar experience? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading!!
Nicki

Recently I started homeschooling (or rather unschooling) my youngest son. This decision was made because he is ADHD with bi polar Disorder and can display oppositional defiance at times. These things don't make for a good school day.

He has been in and out of institutions and instead of working with my son to really help him learn how to cope, they upped his medication dosages and even added a fairly questionable sedative. So, this leads me to being home with him.

So far things have been going well. He is motivated to do work with very little to no problems at all and his defiance towards me has lessened greatly. Also, we have been able to get him back to where he was with his medications and he is really using the skills we teach him in regard to coping with frustration and anger.

What is would like to know is are there any other GLBTQ families out there who homeschool their children. Why did you do it? What are some strategies you use and how do your children like it? I look forward to your responses.

Al

Hello everyone,my name is Angie and I am new to the site.I live with my girlfriend Steph of 3 years and our two daughters who are 5&8 in a small town in North Carolina.A family like ours is rarely heard of and rarely accepted in the town we live in.We are begining to have struggles with our oldest daughter with her feeling different and understanding how two women can be in love.Both our parents are very accepting of us, as is their father but issues with friends and school are arising.I have looked up articles and read books and have had many talks with her because we are open with our kids and are not ashamed of who we are.We are just a normal family who loves their kids and wants the best for them and wants them to be happy but....as with life there are struggles and some you cannot face alone.If there is anyone who has been in the same situation or has grown up with 2 same sex parents and has any advice to give it would be greatly appreciated. Merry Christmas!