WAY OUT PARENTING: Questions straight parents wish they could ask gay parents—Part II

In Part I, we answered a few burning questions straight parents have about gay ones. But if straight parents could sit down with a live set of gay parents, their questions could go on for hours. What else would they ask? What would you say? Let’s listen in for a while.

Q. How do gay people honestly think they can be moral, upstanding role models for children?

A. It’s because gay people just love celebrities, and we’ve learned so much from them about how to be good parents—and how not to be. For example, Britney generously taught us the importance of strapping our infants into car seats and teaching them to wear underwear. And Courtney, well, without her, we wouldn’t have known that shooting heroin during pregnancy can be so damaging. Now that we do, we gays regularly avoid that temptation. We don’t dangle our children over balconies either, and we don’t carry knives. We remember watching O.J. Simpson’s white van all those years ago, and we learned our anger management lessons. And thank God for Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggert and all the other evangelists. A steady media diet of their unravelings really helped us with our own morality issues. We’re good to go now.

Q. Do lesbians really use a turkey baster?

A. Not anymore. The turkey baster was a primitive tool of the mid-to-late twentieth century when no reputable physician would help lesbians. When the medical establishment realized there was money to be made from lesbian assisted reproduction, a new niche market was born. Like all primitive medical instruments, the turkey baster was imperfect and unhygienic (especially if used around Thanksgiving). It has since joined the vast collection of other historical obstetric instruments in the Smithsonian.

Q. Does artificial insemination hurt?

A. No, but it’s not the kind of experience that makes you want to fall into a blissful sleep or light up a cigarette either. After all, you’re lying on a stainless-steel table, your legs are in the air, a thin little tube is threaded through your cervix, and you’re wondering how you’re going to pay for it all.

Q. I’m going to a gay shower. Do gays have a thing against the traditional pink and powder blue baby color-coding system?

A. Gay men have never had a problem with those colors. And the lesbians who object to those colors are usually not signing up to raise babies. Those lesbians are aging out in remote womyn-only trailer parks in Arkansas, but soon they’ll be a distant memory. Go ahead. Buy that pink or blue onesie.

© 2009 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.

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