While many communities look the other way when two men or two women cohabitate, they can become downright hostile when these same gay couples start pushing a stroller through the local Target or Cosco. Therefore, gays starting families have to ask the fundamental question: Should we put our home up for sale right now and run for our lives?

Throughout North America, attitudes toward homosexuality vary greatly. Therefore, gays should begin their stay-or-move assessment with a regional report card.

North American Regional Report Card on Tolerance to Gays

Region Score Comments
Northeast A+ The original birthplace of democracy in the United States is still the only region of the country that hews to the founders’ philosophy about separation of church and state. It’s also the only region in the U.S. where some gays can legally marry.
Midwest C This part of North American is filled with nice people. This is because for generations these children and grandchildren of farmers have suffered from “pleasant dementia” caused by heavy consumption of dairy products and corn-fed beef. You’ll be safe here, but you might get bored out of your mind, too.
South F Don’t pass through there. Don’t vacation there. And certainly don’t live there—unless it’s New Orleans—but remember you can drown there.
Southwest D There are too many licensed and unlicensed guns in the hands of too many wanna-be cowboys for any gay person to feel safe.
Rocky Mountain states F Think Matthew Shepard and Brokeback Mountain. Stay out.
Alaska F Alaska is Mississippi under a melting glacier. After another twenty years of global warming, it will just be Mississippi.
Pacific Corridor A Many smart people live on the Pacific coast, and smart people tend to like gay people, who are also usually smart (they have to be to survive).
Canada A Canada gave gays the right to marry long before anyone else. It’s cold there, and the healthcare system isn’t great, but you can’t have everything.
Mexico F Too many drug cartels and too much violence. Everybody gets killed in the crossfire — both gays and straights.

If you choose to ignore regional truisms, then at least take this True/False Safely Evaluation. If any of these statements are “true” for you, then pack up and get out as soon as you can:
____ People disguised in white sheets—possibly your next-door neighbors—are burning crosses in your front yard.
_____The pastor of the local Baptist church professes to “love gays” in his media interviews and also says he has no problem dining with people who are going to hell.
_____When you converse with neighbors, every other word out of their mouths is “Jesus” and they’re not using it as a curse.
_____The curtains in every nearby home suspiciously get raised as you leave or enter your driveway.
_____Every family on your block has a gun. They say it’s for skunks or raccoons, but you get the feeling the skunks and raccoons are just target practice for you.

In the absence of these intolerance indicators, gays shouldn’t put up the For Sale sign just yet. You probably wouldn’t be able to sell anyway since the majority of potential buyers have defaulted on their last mortgage or lost all their equity when the big real estate bubble burst. And while you may not win a seat on the school board, you may not be the least popular resident, either. Many towns have gotten bored with the whole gay hate thing. There aren’t that many of us to pick on after all, since most gays have either left for the big city, are so deeply ensconced in the closet that they’ve lost all traces of gayness or, let’s face it, gays just aren’t as good at the recruitment game as everyone seems to think they are.

Lots of communities have a new inviting target to hate—illegal immigrants. They’re much more fun to resent. They’re poor and Americans have always believed that poverty is a person’s own damn fault. They have lots of children, who may not turn out to be the racist bores that have historically populated the heartland of this country. They speak another language, which most Americans are intellectually incapable of doing. They have tastier food and healthier diets than our fast food nation. But their real crime is that they are willing to do all the disgusting work that no red-blooded American would ever stoop to do.

Gays should keep in mind, however, that as soon as the borders are secured and the illegal invaders ousted, their security may go away. Gays, Jews and Blacks will always be default victims when no one else is available. They are advised to familiarize themselves with Underground Railroads to the Northeast and Pacific coast communities just in case.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.

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