WAY OUT PARENTING: What happens when a Dick Cheney becomes a full-time grandparent?

The election is only days away. Imagine for a moment that Barack has won the Whitehouse. (It’s okay. Hope doesn’t jinx him. Only voter fraud can do that.) What’s next?

• The Republican Party is in shambles.
• The Electoral College map has shifted historically.
• Neo-Conservative foreign policy ends abruptly.
• Theo-Conservative rhetoric is relegated to angry, bitter direct mail fundraising newsletters and mega-church sermons to the already converted.
• Pocketbook Republicans check their fund statements on an hourly basis and take anti-depressants.
• And the rest of us cheer for the first time in years.

And what happens to Dick Cheney when he says goodbye to the Beltway?

Does he go to Afghanistan and crawl into one of Osama’s abandoned caves and admit defeat? That would make many of us cheer even louder. But more likely, he refuses to give up. Maybe he even launches a grassroots effort to rebuild the party he destroyed by focusing on the Next Great Hope, a future generation of potential Republican voters—his grandchild. And maybe all the other conservative republican grandparents follow his lead.

Mary might not object to this given her loyalty to father and GOP, but if you were Mary, think of what you might be saying as Dick came over to spend time with his grandson. Think of what you may need to say to your own parents who look to your child as the future of their political dreams.

“Dad, please don’t rant about democrats today. We don’t want to cut you off. We’re tired of spending hours correcting your misinformation whenever he comes home from seeing you.”

“You are NOT to play Guantanamo with him anymore. He’s taught all the other boys at school how to round up terrorists, and several parents have complained. Go back to cowboys and Indians, if you have to play a politically incorrect game.”

“Quit talking to him about second Amendment rights. And don’t even think about giving him a shooting lesson. We don’t believe in guns, and you know very well what happened the last time you fired at close range.”

“Tell me exactly what the two of you do today, and don’t lie. He came home and searched the entire house for weapons of mass destruction.”

“If you want to help with homework, stick to adding and subtracting. Please don’t give a crash course in trickle down economics and tax-and-spend policy.”

“I don’t think you should play Battleship.”

“If you can’t stick to the rules, don’t play Monopoly either. There’s nothing in the rules about credit default swaps.”

“If I ever catch you waterboarding one of our daughter’s American Girl Dolls again, you’ll be banned from future visits.”

“Quit sending him home with Log Cabin Republican fliers. I’m not interested.”

“No, she will not be going to the polls with you to vote. She will be coming with me and pulling the lever for MY candidate.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. But let’s hope that’s the problem we have instead of four more years of the Cheney legacy.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.

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