Sarah Palin mangled foreign policy and demonstrated what she doesn’t know about the economy. What would she have to say on the issue of gay rights? Here’s the interview she might have given…
Katie Couric: Governor Palin, thanks for agreeing to speak to me today about gay issues. Many gay people consider the last 8 years of the Bush administration to have been particularly unfriendly to gay people. Would a McCain-Palin administration be any different?
Sarah Palin: You’re darn right, Katie. John McCain has always been a maverick. The American people know this about John McCain. He will not assail the gays like other republicans have. He’ll find brand-new ways to do it.
Katie Couric: Can you give us some details?
Sarah Palin: I sure can, Katie. Last week I blanked out on that foreign policy stuff, but on this issue I don’t have to phone in the details. Let’s take earmarks, an issue near and dear to John McCain. John and I have said we want to discourage the earmarks, and we can discourage the Gay Agenda at the same time. Here’s what we’ll do for Straight America. We will attach anti-gay-agenda riders to all these Democratic earmark legislations coming across John McCain’s desk. If the Democrats want to serve up pork to their constituents, they’ll have to sacrifice the gays. If they prefer to protect the gays, then they’ll do without the pork. Now that’s a Maverick approach.
Katie Couric: Explain your stand on gay marriage.
Sarah Palin: Obviously, Katie, John McCain and I agree with all the good Straight Americans out there who think marriage is between one man and one woman. I don’t need any briefings from foreign policy advisors to know what is right here. I already know my Corinthians. That’s why John McCain invited me to join his ticket, and this is an area where he will be looking to me for guidance. And that’s ‘cause I’m a hockey mom. I share the values of the American people on Main Street—or should I say Straight Street. The American people don’t want special rights for gay people, Katie. I fought the Wasilla Public Library to get those gay picture books off the shelves, and I’ll fight the Congress to get the special rights for gays off the books. That’s what the Straight Talk Express is all about.
Katie Couric: Do you worry that moderate voters will interpret your comments as openly hostile to gays?
Sarah Palin: Katie, I am anything but hostile to gays. I am so sympathetic to their position. You know, I have a gay girl friend. No, let me take that back. She’s not my gay friend. She’s one of my best friends. She decided to be gay, and I didn’t. There’s a little story there, but I won’t be telling it today.
Now, I support her right to be wrong, but I just don’t think that our government should support her wrong-headed views with special rights when so many right-headed people are suffering and need special rights. What we really need in this country is a good energy policy.
Katie Couric: But let’s stick to the issue, Governor. You’re saying you believe homosexuality is a choice?
Sarah Palin: I sure do. Think about it, Katie. Why would God make people gay? He might allow you to be born into homelessness or have a disfiguring congenital disease at birth—God likes to see how you’ll deal with things, I know this from personal experience—but God doesn’t make us sinners at birth. We are all born innocent and pure. Gay people choose their lifestyle—and the good news there is that they can unchoose it, too, and if I am elected Vice President of this great country of ours, I have a plan to help these gay Americans do that.
I will invite them up to my good state of Alaska on a pilgrimage to find their true selves. Katie, there’s nothing like a little subzero weather to get your mind off those unnatural impulses. We’ll sponsor a gay guest worker program. We’ll put the gays to work on our bridge to nowhere—which will save the government a ton of money, by the way—and I guarantee all you soon-to-be-formerly gay folks out there listening right now, you’ll go from nowhere to somewhere. You’ll feel like real Americans when you breathe in that cold oil-rich Alaskan air, eat our moose stew—hey, it’s a little stringy, but so what?—and stare out across the Bering Sea to the enemy shores of Russia.
Katie Couric: Let’s talk about gays in the military. You and John McCain have said that you support Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Sarah Palin: We do support this policy, Katie. It’s a superb policy. It gives Gay Americans the opportunity to serve our country, and John McCain and I believe everyone should have the opportunity to serve our great country because military service builds character. And if gay people can convince their superior officers and their fellow enlistees that they are straight during their two or four year enlistment, then hey, Katie, they just might convince themselves, too. Talk about being the best that you can be!
Katie Couric: But isn’t the real reason you support this policy because our military is incredibly overextended and we need every soldiers we can get?
Sarah Palin: We’re going to be facing difficult times in the coming years. There are so many rogue dictators out there, Katie. I can’t even begin to name them all—actually I can’t name any of them, but I have a set of flash cards and I’m working on it—and yes, some Americans will die in those wars. Having gay soldiers die alongside straight soldiers is important to our society, Katie. If a disproportionate number of straight soldiers die, we will end up with a greater ratio of gays in our general society, and that could tip the electoral vote in a key swing state and change the presidential election dynamics for years to come. We need to keep ‘em in there fightin’ and dyin’.
Katie Couric: That’s all the time we have, Governor. Thank you for joining us.
Sarah Palin: You betcha!