Are you a Gay Uber Parent?

Virtually everyone approaches parenthood with a secret belief that they can somehow avoid all the mistakes other parents have made through time in memoriam. You, as gay a parent, are particularly vulnerable to this dangerous fallacy. Because your rights and qualifications to be parents have been challenged by the straight world, you may feel the need to send a defiant message to all of your detractors: Just watch. My child will be superior to yours in every conceivable way. And in a desperate attempt to fulfill your prophecy, you may impose on your child a series of unrealistic rules designed to make them perfect. You may be a Gay Uber Parent. Read the warning signs and the potential consequences.

Common Symptoms of Gay Uber Parent Syndrome
Potential Consequences
“Our child will not grow up on Disney like all those children of straight parents. We are chucking the flat screen and instituting nightly family read-alouds.” Years from now, when your child has left the nest and straight people ask him or her, “So what was it like growing up with gay parents?” your child will compare gay family life to (at best) Little House in the Big Woods, and (at worst) a fringe Mormon sect minus the polygamy.
“Straight parents don’t know how to say no to their children. I don’t care how much our children beg, we are never buying a Play Station, X-Box 360 or wii.” Your child will secretly master Halo at a friend’s house. The friends’ parents, sympathetic to your child’s hunger for 21st century technology, will not divulge his secret, and after your child goes home, they will ask themselves, “Are all gay parents so rigid?”
“Straight parents place too much value on sports for their sons and too little value on stimulating neural pathways and improving cognitive development. Our three-year-old will study foreign languages, music, and fine arts.” Behind your back Straight Parents will be scratching their heads and asking themselves, “Are they gay, or are they Korean?”
“Guns are a tool of patriarchal society. Our son will never play with toy guns. He will have Legos instead.” Denial intensifies fascination. (You should know that.) You may unwittingly give rise to a future special forces soldier or Columbine killer. How do you know he’s not using his Legos to replicate every armament in the Jane’s Catalog when you’re not looking?
“Straight parents are entirely responsible for the obesity and diabetes epidemics in this country. We will safeguard our child from all bleached white flour, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, and animal proteins.” You may need thousands of dollars to pay for all the therapy your child will need to cure her future eating disorders.

What to do if you have Gay Uber Parent Tendencies?

You may think you are simply trying to be a better parent than other—straight—parents, but the truth is you need some help, and you need it fast. Unfortunately you don’t have time for deep analysis to uncover the childhood dynamics that led to your particular Gay Uber Parent resolves, but three or four months of cognitive behavioral intervention could help safeguard your child from the kinds of torment your own parents undoubtedly visited on you. Get a referral immediately.

© 2008 by Carrie Smith. All rights reserved.

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