These young men represent the next wave of gay fathers

I am 23 years old, and I cannot shake this feeling that I am getting “too old” to have my first child. Yes, I know that I have my whole life ahead of me, but I do not want to *start* having a family after 30 years old.

I have been with my partner, who is 21, for over two years now (but we have known each other for over 6 years). The thing is: I am ready to have children soon (within the next 2-3 years), while my partner is still “growing up.” I do not want to wait “too long” to start a family–and it doesn’t help that many of my friends and family members are having babies.

We have a house. We have jobs. We have plenty of support. What we don’t have is the money to deal with surrogacy. I don’t know where to even start.

Signed,
“Struggling”

4 thoughts on “These young men represent the next wave of gay fathers

  • June 2, 2008 at 6:38 am
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    I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post.

    To answer your inquiries:
    -Yes, my partner and I have discussed children. At first, he was adamantly against having them (to which I was utterly disheartened). However, he has spent quite some time volunteering in my mom’s kindergarten class, which has changed his mind. But, I do not know where he currently stands.
    -He probably *is* thinking more about getting through college and getting his mind set into a career rather then settling down and having children.

    Now, I have told him how strongly I feel about being a dad: ALWAYS wanted to be one. It has been this gut feeling for as long as I can remember. Though, I do not want to put him off in any way by talking about it now. Any suggestions here?

    I have considered both surrogacy AND adoption. Like most, I want to have genetic offspring (sorry, that sounds so scientific), to spread my familial characteristics into future generations. If I can only [afford to] do that once, my wish would be satisfied for that. On the other hand, I want at least two children, and I have always considered adoption. There are too many children who are already out there who need good homes and families.

    You have a lovely family, and I wish you and your partner the best of luck with adoption in the near future! 🙂

    ~Ryan

    P.S.: I am an “organizationist”–“perfectionist” is just one step above where I am, haha. I like to plan and prepare for the future. Children are ENORMOUS ventures, requiring ample planning, which is why I am semi-stressing about it now, hence this post and replies.

  • May 28, 2008 at 5:47 am
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    I am only 23 also and have been with my partner since I was 18. and since he was married and had kids from a marriage. we have always had the kids. At first I wasn’t too happy because I was being selfish. then I realized that I always wanted a family and that my life revolves around these kids. they are my heart and soul. Now the thing that I have to ask is have you made your feelings about having kids to your partner? Secondly do you think that someone who is only 21 and stiil in college is ready to “settle down” and have kids? Then there is always the option of adoption. As a kid that was adopted I found that there are alot of people who use the adoption aspect as a paycheck. When you foster a child you get monthly checks for support. If you want to adopt a child who wants a family and to be loved then check your states adoption agency. we looked into surrogacy but it was way too expensive. So we are going to adopt in a few years. once our kids are a little older.

    Casey and Larry Wagter-Connell

  • May 23, 2008 at 3:02 pm
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    i am amazed that you are male and 23 and actually WANT a baby. i know its sounds so stereotypical but i sware every gay man that i know it seems takes forever for them to actually be ready to settle down and even begin to start thinking about a family. so you are of a select few. so it is quite possible that maybe your partner is just not ready to change his lifestyle to adapt to a new baby? as far as the $ is concerned…my heart goes out to you. my partner and i are lucky enough to have medical insurance that covers the majority of the expenses for inseminations. may i ask do you have any one IN MIND whom you owuld like to use as a surrogate? i mean cuz just a thought but maybe somehow you could help her get fully medically covered and then it would cut the costs down to a bare minimum? im just pondering i honestly dont know anybody personally who has gone through this….but if i come across anything i will gladly throw it your way. i wish you the best of luck.
    ~*Tracy*~

  • May 25, 2008 at 12:13 am
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    I agree with you that “stereotypically” speaking, gay men want to settle down (sometimes) AFTER they have finished their partying days. I have always wanted to be a dad; I babysitted younger cousins and siblings when I was younger, and I have been around babies my whole life. This is not new, and the feeling has always been there.

    My partner is still in college (undergraduate), trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, so even talking about children–even for the future–may put him off. I am getting my professional degree (MSW/graduate) and ready to get on with life. So, there is a big difference there.

    Surrogacy is another area. I have several potentials: egg donors, surrogates, or both. I would like for us to both use the same egg donor if he wants (genetic) kids so that our children are related. As far as money goes, it is just too darn expensive! From the articles that I have read, the *average* price for surrogacy is around $20,000. Luckily, most of the potentials have their own health insurance and wouldn’t require much of me–as minimal as possible. But, it’s all the legalities that cause complications. Still, it’s expensive.

    Thank you for the support and advice!
    ~Ryan

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