BLOG: Who will be the bio-mom? Will there be repercussions?

ProudParenting.com member – SarahM – is chronicling the steps she’s taking with her partner, to build a family.

She writes:

“I am very new to this site, but I am just desperate to communicate with people that are and have gone through the same things…”

At first, the couple struggled with the options available to them. They talked about adoption versus insemination, then decided on insemination. But the decision came after much processing of the fears that can arise during the decision-making process.

“…we decided to go ahead with our plan to try insemination beginning in August. Although we both want to have a child, it has been a struggle to get to this point. My partner and I are very different is some ways, and this is one of them. We usually balance each other out, but it is hard to see her so upset about something that should be a joyous decision.”

Among the warranted worries:

  • the bio-mom fears that – since the baby will be her egg – the other woman may not feel connected to the baby
  • the non-bio family may never accept the child as part of their family
  • the bio-mom’s eggs are getting older every day
  • autism has occurred in her family
  • and, “Money, of course, money”

So the couple is on the path toward successful insemination!

In an updated post, she says:

“As I read through the profiles of possible donors, I think about the fact that my child may never meet his father. We are straddling the line between Yes and No donors, but even if we pick a Yes donor, the fact is that this child will never really know this person. I try to imagine what it would be like to wonder who my father was. I know millions of children are adopted or have donor eggs/sperm and have gone through this and made it, but it scares me that I am deciding for my child that they will possibly have this void in their life.”

We wish them luck, and hope they will keep us posted!

6 thoughts on “BLOG: Who will be the bio-mom? Will there be repercussions?

  • April 13, 2008 at 5:13 pm
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    I find it comforting that to know that other couples are thinking about the various issues surrounding parenting that my partner and I are thinking about.

  • April 6, 2008 at 1:40 am
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    Congratulations on your decision to go forward with the progress! I wish you a successful journey to pregnancy. My partner and I are still in the early stages of planning talking about which one of us is going to be the first to be pregnant. Since my partner is a few years older I think she will go first. Some things we’ve talked about are whether to ask male family members to possibly donate. But we are going to have to think out all the implications to that. Also we are thinking a lot about bonding circumstances. I’ve been thinking that maybe we can get pregnant within a certain amount of time of each other so that we can take turns with breast feeding. But that might just be economically unfeasible… In any case I am not too worried about bonding. Raising a child biological or not is a bond strengthening experience in it’s own right. And I know our children will feel connected to the two of us as parents. There was a great episode of the PBS show In the Life about gay parenting several years ago that just floored me. Kids love their parents biological or not and some parents choose to not tell their kids who the biological parent is (even though it can be pretty obvious sometimes!) Good Luck!!!

  • June 17, 2008 at 3:13 am
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    Shannon and I celebrated on 9 year anniversary in the hospital one day after our daughter was born!

    We always knew that I’d carry…Shannon never wanted to be pregnant. Since I ended up having a c-section, Shannon got to spend our daughter’s first minutes right by her side…holding her hand.

    Shannon and Riley (our daughter) bonded faster than Riley and I and I breastfed! I think having those first minutes together really set them up. Of course Riley and I bonded but I was the food…the comfort, the Momma. Shannon was the fun…the one who got her out of her crib when she was crying…the Mommy.

    Our daughter is 17 months old and she still knows who’s who and which Mom is for fun and which mom means it’s time to go to bed!

    No matter what your worries, when you baby here…it’s amazing!

  • May 27, 2008 at 8:42 pm
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    Hi there! I’m new to this site and just wanted to share with you both that you are SO not alone on this journey. I am the non-bio mom (this time around) as my partner is a bit older than I, and she wanted to try to carry. I wasn’t sure how it would all unfold, but I can tell you now, it’s amazing! I always wanted to carry and didn’t think I wouldn’t…but I may not. It depends on where we are (financially and otherwise) in a few years. We have twins now (boy/girl) and they’re going to be 2 in a few weeks. I am SO bonded and close with them, especially my daughter, it’s like I birthed her myself. We also chose to go with a “known donor” through Pacific Reproductive Services. These donors are willing to be known when the children reach 18, if they want to, they can contact him. Just thought I’d share the choices that helped us create our beautiful family! Wish you the very best!!

  • April 1, 2008 at 5:29 pm
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    Being a soon to be father (5 Wks) there are many questions that my wife and I have. Having expereinced individuals to bounce those off of his huge for us. We are a new area with out much time to attend physical get gathers though.

    However there is a large amount of online support that you can find. We have signed up for several websites focused on sharing experiances. Our favorite right now is http://www.ourbabysteps.com becuase it is not focused on just mothers but fathers as well. Being a new dad I have alot of questions I want answered and its good to be able to get perspectives from fathers and mothers. The internet is a great resource and it is helping us alot in this area.

  • September 7, 2009 at 6:28 pm
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    Me and my partner are in the early stages of planning for parenthood. We dont know much about the process but I have been researching it online. I do not wish to carry a child so my partner will carry our baby. I want to donate the egg and we want to select a sperm donor. Any information or advice on any of the above situations will b greatly appreciated. I want my partner to feel as much a part of the child as I will be. I’m looking forward to what the future will hold for us.

    Chandler

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