Adventures in Being a single gay father

Adventures in Being a Single Gay Parent-

There are only two things I ever wanted to be in this life, a husband and a father. Now, imagine watching men run for the next county, when you tell them. To shorten a very long story, I decided to become a father as becoming a husband was proving much more difficult. I was beginning to think I had a better chance at pregnancy. So after a period of interviews and navigation through the complex legal and emotional process I got a call on the day before Thanksgiving 2004, telling me that there was a little boy who was two years old.

So begins the saga: In the initial visit with my son, I witnessed a child who was bright, smiled, yelled, stomped his feet and screamed. It was not that he could not talk, he would not talk. He had his own language, created in his mind to get his needs satisfied as a result of them not being met prior. I was told that he could only say 7 words, all in Spanish. I went to a corner on this initial visit and sat there with a book and a stuffed bear and waited. Ever so slowly, he approached me, would touch me and run away and giggle. Eventually, he sat in my lap and looked at me for a while, with his social worker, the foster mother and my adoption worker looking on he put his hand on my face and said “daddy”. This was not one of the words that he knew and it was not in Spanish……so it began.

We finalized the adoption in July of 2005, after paternity leave, teaching him to speak, potty training (I would gladly take any bar exam again to never have to potty train again) where he would sit on the toilet and sing and practice his words when he thought I was out of ear shot. I sat around the corner from the bathroom and cried as I listened to his words, imagination and person come alive. Now, we are deep in the threes and he talks constantly, questions everything and wakes each morning with ‘Love you Daddy” and leaves me each night with what we call a “forever” hug, as he knows I will be his daddy forever. Every night my son picks a book to read, recently he asked for a book with a mommy in it. You are never quite prepared to answer certain questions and despite all my best efforts to be as prepared as possible to counter the mind of a toddler I am inevitably stumped at times.

We found a book with a mommy in it and climbed into his big boy bed to read. Once in bed, he asked me if he would have a mommy (the lump in my throat and holding back tears) I started that there are families out there who have mommies, daddies, and all various combinations but a family is about all the people who love you. My son started to recite all of the people who are in and who touch both his and my life….the list is rather long but I let him go on. He finished with “all people”, “yes, all people” I said, “Love me” he said, “My family” he stated. I held my son against my chest and he gave me a forever hug, I cried as I heard “love you daddy”.

I am sure this is not the last time I will be asked about this issue, but never did I think I would be asked about it at three. Knowing my son, had I not satisfied his need for an answer he would have pressed me for a better answer. However, in his mind his family is all the people who love him. There is much to be learned from children, I learn daily and for that I am thankful.

29 thoughts on “Adventures in Being a single gay father

  • November 12, 2007 at 4:40 am
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    I’m a prospective single gay dad, just beginning the process of checking out adoption resources. Your story was really encouraging – thanks for sharing it. I’m in Washington DC, and checking out adoption possibilities from Guatemala. Any suggestions you have would be much appreciated. Thanks, Case

  • October 28, 2007 at 11:38 pm
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    nice story! we’re 2 dads in southern nh– londonderry.
    adopted (from china) our older boy in 1995, and our younger
    son (also from china) two years later. they’re 12 and 10
    now!
    we like where we are, and what we’re doing. and we’re quite content in londonderry, but we certainly miss being close to other gay dads. this town (like most others!) is so…hetero. we’re fairly active in a COLAGE chapter, loosely based on the nh seacoast. anyway, i wanted to say ‘hello’, and hoped that you’d answer! truly, bruce (and peter)

  • October 30, 2007 at 5:53 pm
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    Hey I did not catch that you had posted a comment! I am happy to meet you. Would love to chat being that we are so close. Also, there is a GLBT playgroup, in North Andover monthly, the kids are from 4 months up. I will send a private message with my number.

    Brian

  • December 3, 2007 at 4:59 pm
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    I read thru your entire blog last night, and that’s what convinced me to join the site. Thanks for sharing. I applaud that you have gone ahead with what you wanted despite not having a partner. I’m in a similar situation (with the exception that I am not sure I even want a partner), and it’s good to see people that know what they want and go after it against the odds.

  • November 25, 2007 at 9:43 am
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    Hey Case:

    Would love to assist. Feel free to send me your number and I will give you a call as a discussion on here would be a bit difficult.

    Brian

  • May 29, 2008 at 10:28 pm
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    Hi! I am so happy to find this page.. I was trying to find a blog site or support groups for single gay dads. I really could not find any.. except, today this wonderful story came up during a search. Wow, you and I are Jan baby buddies.. I too gave up on mating with a partner, and began my journey to create my family on my own. It’s been ups and downs since 2005 (more like downs and downs you know what I mean..) but hey my surromom and I are surely 5 wk pregnant! I began wondering how I would come out to my own child and what I would tell my neighbors when a baby pops up out of no where (not that I did not think about it before)! Well, it seems that my real journey has just begun. Lots of waves to go through but I will be happy and proud tackling them.

  • May 23, 2008 at 1:36 pm
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    Love your story!
    I started with adoption two years ago and recently decided to have my own child via surrogacy. I was trying to adopt a toddler but eventually the process was turning into a saga. My attorney encouraged me to pursue surrogacy and referred me to a really great agency in Orlando. That was last fall and today begins the 7th week of our pregnancy. Now that I am at this point with the baby due next January, I feel sort of useless. I speak to my baby’s surromom almost every day and I have her put the phone beneath her belly and I speak to my baby. I jot down ideas for names and work on converting the guest room to a baby’s room. If anyone has any thoughts on how I can use this time most wisely, bring it on.

  • January 25, 2008 at 8:33 pm
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    I think your story is wonderful.

    My partner and I have recently adopted a 1 year old. I thought I would have had a hard time being a gay couple with a child but guess what, putting a baby bump hat on my “less than sure footed” learning to walk toddler was more of a freak show than we were. At the park we heard sly comments and ohs and ahs about bubble wrap kids. Thing is, she was learning to walk for goodness sake and we didnt want here to bump her head so we got her a Thudguard. It is so cute and very protective. You should see it, http://www.thudguard.com and tell me that this is being overprotective; if you think we are then you have never loved a child as much as we do!

    John and Kimho

  • June 1, 2008 at 4:48 am
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    So! I signed up to be a member here and wanted to let you guys know that it was me posted above blog. (We are doing our first ultrasound in 10 days.. I just can’t wait to see it!!)

  • July 5, 2008 at 3:40 am
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    I am a single dad of 4 wonderful boys that I adopted at different times from foster care. For me this was the most logical place to get a child from since there are so many children in foster care who need homes. My first son was 2 years old when I got him, my second was 8 months old, my third was 5 weeks old, and my last son was 5 years old. We are one big happy family representing various ethnic groups but all that matters to me is that I am a father. If anyone would like information about adopting from foster care please feel free to email me. Chris (cwor0306@aol.com)

  • June 24, 2008 at 2:51 pm
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    Great for you, please let me know how it is going. It is not always easy but rewarding at best.

  • June 17, 2008 at 5:54 pm
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    We just came from the first sonogram. Since I elected to implant two embryos to increase the probability of one taking, I was nervous of having twins. Since the nurse at the IVF clinic had said there was every reason to believe a singleton would be routine and twins would present extra concerns, I decided I should hope for one. And one healthy heartbeat it is! 163 beats per minute. 155-195 is normal in the 9th week. At first the technician was looking around at the ovaries and I was getting a little worried because I couldn’t see anything that even suggested a fetus, then all of a sudden he appeared. I was amazed at how clearly I could see the beating heart. I was smiling from ear to ear and tearing up. When the sound came on and I could hear her beating heart…well, it’s just an amazing moment. I wondered what happened to the other embryo and the nurse said it is simply absorbed into the woman’s uterus. The whole thing is just amazing.

  • September 30, 2008 at 3:40 am
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    I too am a single gay intended parent, have started the surrogacy process nearly six months ago and now signing papers and finally found the perfect egg donor. I too am not waiting for mr. right…I want to start creating my family now…I am 44 and want to see my kids grow and have families of their own. I am beginning a blog of my own following my journey to fatherhood…please stop by and give me your comments.
    all the best to all of you…
    Davide

    http://dbfiori.typepad.com/my_weblog/

  • June 5, 2008 at 4:12 pm
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    You should check out my first blog! Basically the same story with a different gender!! I’m TTC now and hoping to inseminate this cycle!! We’ll see!! I’m sending Babydust and well wishes your way!! I wonder if there is a “Single Dad By Choice” organization like “Single Mom By Choice?” Hmm. . .

    I’ve been doing a lot of reading and the books have been great!! I recommend them to you as well. ..although they are for womyn, I’m sure the logic works for single dads as well. . .

    Choosing Single Motherhood by Mikki Morrisette
    Single Mother By Choice by Jane Mattes

    and of course the Amazon.com search engine is the best!!!

    Good luck dads!!

  • June 17, 2008 at 5:47 pm
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    I can really relate to everyone’s comments on here. I gave up dating and forming a family to go it alone down the adoption route. But boy did all of that experience trying to ‘raise’ a suitable partner come in handy now that I am a dad to a teen! No – really. It was a long road. I think the adoption agencies all have a ‘random forms generator’ that shoots out a new form to be completed every so often. My first career was a CPA and I’d rather do taxes again than go through this process all over. At any rate, I made it and a 14 year old MN boy moved in with me last June. We celebrated our our first year, his second birthday togehter (now age 16) and my second fathers day. Ironically, I found that even within our GLBT community I was again a ‘pink elephant’ not only wanting to be a single gay dad but also adopting a teen from this country. They older kids really aren’t so bad as everyone seems to think and they do need loving homes too. Happy to share expereinces with other gay dads. Randy (randy55410@yahoo.com)

  • September 11, 2008 at 2:48 am
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    Thank you for sharing your story! I am a new single gay father. I decided to go ahead and start a family that has been so important to me. My daughter was born july 22 we are well on are way getting to know each other.
    Mario

    Mario

  • December 26, 2008 at 12:14 pm
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    Thanks for writing and letting me know if made a difference. If there is anting I can do let me know! Kids make a difference in our lives so we can make a differnce in the lives of others. Brian

  • December 21, 2008 at 2:04 pm
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    Your story bought me tears, joy and sadness and hope. I am currently a foster dad of 6 children ranges from age 3 to 8. My partner and I decided to go our separate ways, I am planing on keeping 3 boys and 1 girls and hopefully will be able to adopt them in the near future should the become available. They’ve have been living with me for more than a year. I, myself was award of the state of NJ when I was younger, but I spent my time in group homes and sheltesr. I have always wanted to be adopted but that never took place. Your story reminded me of the father that I have always wanted and now I try to be that to my children. At time I find the task difficult but I love it non the less. I have a chance of giving all the loves, attentions, kisses, and the hugs I never received as a child. Your story really touched a nerve. I am crazy about my children, even though they are not yet adopted, the are my life and my all.

    Pierre-Richard, New Jersey

  • September 11, 2008 at 2:19 am
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    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am also a single dad. Having a family has always been very important to me and with no partner in sight I decided to go ahead on my own. I have a little girl who is 7 weeks old. She already has a strong personality. Loving the experience. thanks again for sharing your story!

    Mario~

  • August 6, 2008 at 6:15 am
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    maybe you can start reading child safety books and right a diary of your thoughts and feelings up until the baby is born.I think it is sweet that you are so excited to have a baby.I am a father of 2 1 boy and 1 girl.

  • November 27, 2008 at 6:16 pm
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    hey there,
    just wanted to say thanks because i read your blog and found this site! i have been searching for a site where there are other single gay men who desperatly want to have children, but cant find much info on it. I live in san diego. i am going through county adoptions, which i must say is fantastic…so far! my worker is great, they are very forthright, and thorough. i will be able to begin my adoption journey next month. (im allmost done with my last required class). my spare room is all set up (age range 1-5) gay and lesbian center here in town has a family matters group which i am going to become involved with, but this site is i hope to to help in many ways. thanks so much, rick

  • February 18, 2009 at 2:13 am
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    They have an amazing network and will work with your agency.I was able to complete the adoption in a matter of months.

    Reach out if you need to tlaime@comcast.net

  • February 18, 2009 at 2:18 am
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    I am a single dad with an 8 month old at home.

    It is tougher than I thought but amazing.

    Tim
    tlaime@comcas.net

  • February 4, 2009 at 6:35 am
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    I just came across this website and was curious to learn how many other men out there are in similar situations as myself. I am a single guy with two surrogate children.. one is 14 months old and the other is his sibling that is due to be born in August of this year. I have been through in vitro and AI and surrogacy with success and although single, am sooo happy to have my children. To all those who fear single parenting, try not to, I live it and know that it is not as scary as it sounds. PS: would however love to share the joy with a future partner…who knows though. Peace everyone.

  • April 8, 2009 at 10:33 pm
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    Wow, twins…Congrats and let the fun begin.I am a newly single dad of 2 boys, now ages 5 and 11. It is truly life changing, but as I’m sure you have heard a million times before… ” I wouldn’t change a thing “. Life is good, and the time does pass quickly..so, cherish and enjoy the ride. My best wishes to you and your new family

  • January 23, 2009 at 3:01 am
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    Well my story is pretty long. In a nutshell- my partner (5 years) and I split about 6 months ago, but I had started the surrogacy process just before. I decided to keep going. I’m 29 years old and expecting twins in about 8 weeks. 1 boy 1 girl. Overjoyed.

  • March 18, 2009 at 4:10 am
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    I really like your blog, it made me cry, I have been thinking since I was 15 years old that I would love to adopt a baby, now I am 25 and I am ready… but “sometimes” I think I would love to have a partner so we can provide more much love!, what do you think?, if you have my space add me!!! so i can see your cuttie!!! my space dot com /samano

  • May 2, 2009 at 7:40 pm
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    Beautiful Story. :]

  • October 17, 2009 at 7:03 am
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    It’s great to read experiences that you can relate too! Thanks for sharing this story with us!
    Mario~

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